This writing might be difficult, but my hope is that this read will bring light and encouragement. If any questions arise, please feel free to reach out for an answer!
There was a healing retreat for the women in the recovery program this past week. I went in with the mindset that I’ll be extra helping hands and the Wholeness Journey was only for them. This perspective was quickly shot down on the first day. Everyone was encouraged to participate. Not that I necessarily struggle putting trust into others, but it does take more than a few hours to allow others into my vulnerability. With that said, I was quite shallow through the first sessions of reflection and sharing. Skip to day two, and you’ll see walls being broken down.
One of the exercises on the second day was to ask God where we individually need healing. In similar situations I’ve been quick to think about certain relationships, but not this time. In my mind popped up this stupid silky robe that I wore for hours on hours in the midst of the darkest night of my life. — In the fall of 2018 I was kidnapped and assaulted by a stranger in the town of my university. When I escaped I was naked running through what felt like a never ending field. God told me to run towards to the light so at first I followed the moon, then God commanded that I cut through some barbed wire, and after a little more running I noticed a house light. A grandpa-aged man opened the door in terror as I was screaming nonsense and around the corner came his wife. The horror that took over her face quickly turned into the action of grabbing me something to clothe my bare body. I’m thankful I had something to wear at all, but retrospect I really wish I was covered in something more modest. From about 10:30pm until the next morning, like 7am ish, I was trapped in this skimpy robe. I was unable to get clothing from officers, the ambulance, or the hospital. After the hospital I was transported to a sexual assault center who also couldn’t clothe me until right before I was released. There’s something about being attacked and stripped, then wearing something uncomfortable and revealing around more people that really takes the best of you away. And as a cherry on top, waking up on a couch (which I’m pretty sure gave me lice, fun fact) to my dad standing there with concern and hurt in his eyes, really stripped me of my last strength and dignity. I’m very much a dad’s gal so like seeing pain in him breaks me to my core. Hehehe, love you dad. — So anyways, here we are in Colombia at a table half full of acquaintances, and God is trying to bring healing upon me.
If I had a choice, I would keep pushing this darkness and pain into my deepest abyss. BUT HA, God wants to bring light into it. God doesn’t want this stupid robe to define me. God doesn’t want worldly things to be where I find strength or dignity. He cares for me deeply, which inevitably means that I can trust in Him to heal me.
As I’m sitting at this fun table listening to others share where they’re currently or needing healing, God spoke a sweet truth to me. Proverbs 31:25 says that I am clothed with strength and dignity; I can laugh at the days to come thanks to God’s love. Is that fire or is that FIRE. Moving forward with all this the enemy has tried to attack me twice since this revelation. First, right after I let my team in on this healing process the enemy twisted another teammate’s words in my head to remind me how awful and disgusting my attacker was and it #triggered me. Then the next night the enemy tried to attack two of my teammates in a taxi. They are okay, but in the moment I started having flashbacks again and my soul felt the pit of darkness. But God is so good and our protector and our redeemer and FIRE. Here we are, missionaries in Colombia clothed in God’s strength and dignity.
:-), K
