It has taken me 10 months to write my first blog because of fear. I was accepted to the World Race in February 2018. Here I am, on day 3, and I still haven’t written anything. I have been avoiding writing this because I have been afraid of what people will think of me, my decision to do the Race, and what they’ll think about my relationship with Jesus. On social media, I analyze everything I post and I shy away from anything too serious out of fear (seriously, who cares about the aesthetics of my insta feed and how witty the caption is?!).
Over the past few years, the Lord has been revealing in me my fear of man; my desire to people-please so that I will be seen as “worthy” to others. I am afraid that my writing will not be worth reading, or that it’ll be compared to better writing. I have many friends who have the gift of writing, and instead of celebrating that with them, I have crippling comparison that only causes me envy instead of rejoicing in their gift. My striving for perfectionism has only caused me to retreat into myself and hide because I am too afraid of creating something that doesn’t live up to my own standards. Standards that no one has created except for me.
During training camp in October, the song “No Longer Slaves” was one that continued to pierce through my fear of man and remind me of what is true. “I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.” I began to pray about what my first post should be because I didn’t know where to start. Immediately, I heard the Spirit say, “Claim me. Claim me as your God, as your Father, as your friend, and as your Lord. Claim yourself as my daughter. Proudly proclaim my name.”
Then, today, as we were walking around the streets of Zolano, Honduras, “No Longer Slaves” was blaring out of someone’s house for the whole neighborhood to hear. I want to sing my freedom without fear of being misunderstood. I want to proclaim Jesus as Lord without it being about my fear and my insecurities at all. In Paul’s first letter to the church of Corinth, he writes,
“When I came to you brothers, I did not come to you proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus and Him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and in trembling and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.” 1 Corinthians 2:1-5
Paul’s desire was to stop thinking so much of himself and start thinking more of God. God is asking me to let go of trying to obtain perfection. He’s asking me to let go of trying so hard, trying to be impressive, and to stop thinking of all the ways I could be better. I need to step back and let God be impressive. My story is about how Jesus on the cross has redeemed every part of me. Grace requires nothing of me – that is the story that I want to tell.
