The problem with apathy is that it sneaks in. Slowly but surely it makes it way-deeper and deeper until it’s fully attached and you finally realise what’s wrong. It’s like a parasite: it sucks your joy out until you no longer care about anyone or anything. This was my experience of India.
If I’m honest, apathy started creeping in well before then- probably as soon as Month 1. I probably recognised it but ignoring seemed easier to do that confront it. By the time India came, I felt helpless against it.
It was a hard month, the hardest by far. I always seemed to be sick, tired, frustrated, lost, and alone. I wanted to escape the problem, though, not fix it. I wanted the comforts of home and the warmth of my own bed- I didn’t want to be sleeping in a hostel room with 19 other people. I didn’t want to care about anyone else because that took up too much energy. I wanted to look after myself. Just me. Because I was all that mattered.
Retrospectively, I see that my team mates were the ones who could have helped me. If I had shared how I was feeling, or not feeling, maybe things would have been different. But I didn’t want anything to do with them. I didn’t want their care even though all I wanted was for someone to care.
It wasn’t until a few days into Nepal that the significance of my situation hit me. I finally realised that I wasn’t alone in my struggle; that one of my new team mates had had a very similar experience of the last month. There was freedom as I shared with my team. Not in the sense that it was all gone, but freedom from the loneliness- that these 6 women are there to help me and walk alongside me as I fight the apathy that has controlled me for so long.
As Nepal has progressed, I feel a lightness that hasn’t been there for a while. I feel a care about what we do and about my team mates. The most important thing, though, is that I finally care again.
