Things have been crazy, like really crazy. I’m about to get real guys.
I do not want to go on the World Race!
Preparing for this trip is a lot of pressure. Like support raising, preparing spiritually/emotionally, traveling, training camp, etc.
I just can’t do it, it’s too much…I can’t handle it.
In my last blog I begged people to donate towards my trip and only two people did. People are tired of me asking for money and i’m tired of asking people for money.
Honestly I was hoping no one would donate so that I could use that excuse to not go on this trip.
Over the last year I have noticed that I have commitment issues. I hate committing to things, it gives me anxiety! So the thought of committing to this trip for 11 months really scares the crap out of me!
Those of you who know my story know that I have always had to be an adult. I had to be an adult and take care of my mom when she was sick. I had to plan both her and my brothers funeral. I’ve always had to be an adult. Who else was going to do things and make decisions? I had to get stuff done!
I have never minded being an adult either, I would never really get nervous about things I had to do. When I was 18 and I had to leave my house for the first time and move to Texas for my internship, I was fine with that. Going to Africa with 11 other people I had never met before, fine with that too.
But this trip! I am terrified!!!
Literally as i’m writing this i’m crying because I feel like a little kid scared to make a commitment to jump and go!
You see I didn’t raise enough funds to go to training camp. Which I was so happy about for the all the reasons I told you above. So I pushed my trip back to July.
I thought perfect more time! That’s what i need more time. But really i was trying to avoid being an adult. So I instead flew to TX to see friends, hang out, laugh and take a break from the craziness. But even though I left it still meant that when I went back home I would still have to make a decision.
Stay or Go.
The decision was mine. Once I came home I was flooded with family issues that needed to be dealt with. So I tried to avoid making the decision even more!
After a very very very very tearful/terrible month I finally faced the Lord and my decision was made.
I have to go on the race. If I did anything else but the race next in my life I would slapping the Lord in the face. The Lord told me 5 months ago to go on this trip and His word and will are greater than mine and if I don’t go on this trip I would be in total disobedience to Him.
Trust me I have come up with idea after idea after idea to avoid going on this trip.I thought maybe moving somewhere else, going back to school, or doing just about anything else but going on this trip would be great!
But after all the Lord and I have gone through in our relationship, I just couldn’t do that to Him!
Jesus paid it all and all to Him I owe. Shoot I even have that phrase tattooed on my rib cage to remind me of it! (haha)
I will be raising money to leave in July and if not in July than September and I will keep on support raising until my scared butt is on a plane flying out to Lord knows where.
I’m still scared to go but now I have a clear mind and I just have to hold on to the Lord’s hand like Rose held onto Jack’s hand in the Titanic.
I know you guys are tired of me asking you but if you pity me or feel bad for the terrible month i’ve just had then please give to my trip. I’m just going to be blunt and ask.
A million, billion, trillion thanks to everyone who has donated and everyone who has been supportive of me. It ministers to me more than you’ll ever know.
I’ll just end this here, and if you’ve read this far, I thank you again.
-Kathryn
