So after I wrote my blog about worshiping God, I immediately got responses. Which one was from my Grandma, she said that she was scared that I don’t feel God, it hit me like a knife. I felt so sick to my stomach with guilt and thought that I shouldn’t have posted that blog. I started freaking out about everyone seeing it and commenting on it. I felt like I was letting everyone down. I felt like I was making others, especially my Grandma, question her faith. I took it off public viewing and sat wondering what to do. My heart started breaking even more. I felt hopeless, and I felt awful that I may have transferred that hopelessness on to my readers. I lay on my sleeping pad crying my eyes out, not knowing where to go. I felt like God was telling me to get prayed for by my team but I didn’t want to get up and find them to tell them. I was helpless. I had to move. I got out of my room and walked to the dirty cement floor in the kitchen and curled up. Dad tried calling me a few times but my phone was dead so I tried 4 times to call him and he never answered. I was worried that he was freaking out by my blog. While I was sitting there Jenn Watkins came and prayed for me, I could not say anything but she still prayed because she could tell something was wrong. All I remember in her prayer was that the Lord DELIGHTS in me. Which made me remember the bracelet Bea Ibarra made me for Christmas… she sewed the word DELIGHT on it and described why she picked that word. Since then, that word, DELIGHT, has been popping up everywhere. Marian Padilla walked in a bit later and prayed with me. She prays different than most people. That is what I love about her. I needed someone like Marian to fight with me until I was free from the bondage of my soul. She fought with me. She prayed and prayed, she would pause and listen to the Lord and speak to me, prophesied over me and was ‘still’ and kept praying. I could feel my spirit coming back to me. When she was praying she again said the Lord DELIGHTS in me. I heard it loud and clear and I kept asking Papa what to do with that word. I recognized that I have been told my whole life that the Lord DELIGHTS in all of us, but now how do I make it transfer from head knowledge to my heart. I was aching for that transfer to happen. When Marian was still praying for me, she used the word STEADFAST. A few nights ago when we all wrote a word for each person on our team, she wrote the word STEADFAST for me, and since then that word also has been sticking out. I would read my Bible and kinda drift off but then I would look back down at a random section and STEADFAST popped out, at least 4 times in a row that happened to me. Then I got an e-mail earlier this week from my friend Alex and he gave me a verse encouraging me to be STEADFAST. I keep collecting all these words in my head and praying fervently that God will piece them together for me. That is how God and I work, we have a system. I hear from God by connecting random dots and events in my life. Once I connect them in sentence form, THAT is when God speaks to my heart most strongly, it is like He opens up the flood gates and it gives me that much more power to persevere. I have been feeling like I have missed that this month and I was aching, aching badly.
I was still frozen in a ball on the cement floor, tears flooding down my broken face. Marian called the rest of Ruach, my team, to pray over me. If I were to try to give you a visual of what was happening on the inside of me it would be this….
I felt like I had all these chains attached to my body, and slowly, the more persistent I was prayed for, each chain would break. I could feel my spirit being less heavy, feeling normal again. Normal, the kind of normal that I am used to. Feeling God. Hearing HIS voice.
Background on a past prophesy Jamie Smith gave me in South Africa… Which really I did not even journal about it because it was such a passing moment but now, it is a huge part of who I am, and what I see myself as…
She was explaining the differences between princesses, some that are diplomatic and fight with their words, position and beauty and then there are princesses that know knows how to do her hair, dress beautifully, and wear jewels but when it come time to fight, they disguise themselves just to go into battle and leave everything behind. I am the one to chop my hair off and get in the mess, fight for what I believe in, I can’t just sit back and watch. I would leave the clothes, money, and fancy jewelry because I was called to the front line, I was not scared to get dirty.
Jamie started praying for me after Marian and this is what she said to me…
“Kathryn, one of the first days we were here, you walked into Maggie’s room looking for fingernail clippers because you had dirt under your nails, and that is when you heard it, the clear distinct voice of God…
THIS IS YOUR BATTLE TO FIGHT.”
When she said that to me I started shaking off my final chains holding me down. The Holy Spirit comforted me in the way I have been longing to be comforted all month. She was right… I remember I had walked into Maggie’s room and in the middle of me asking for clippers I stopped and heard, “THIS IS YOUR BATTLE TO FIGHT.” I thought I had interrupted a podcast and asked her what podcast she was listening to. She looked at me confused and said she was not listening to one. I started wandering around everywhere trying to figure out where it came from because it was so clear, I knew someone had to have been listening to something. NO ONE. NOT OUTSIDE. NOTHING. I joked that I heard God’s voice but after a few minutes I was shocked because I really had. I was so confused because I was not seeking to hear from God, in fact I was not praying or anything, I was asking for clippers! I didn’t understand why the heck God would choose that moment to speak to me. STRANGE. That was that. NOW…. follow this with me and it will blow your mind…(well it blew mine!)
God pieced the pieces together for me…
(God speaking to me)
“Kathryn, you are my princess warrior, who cut off all her hair, tossed her jewels aside, and put away the dress to charge into battle, because you could not just stand by and do nothing. You’re the kind of girl that needs to be in the action. Though the lack of ‘proper primping’ has been a struggle, your battle has just begun. Now sitting on the floor surrounded by dirt, nails full of dirt, hair a bun of weave, you know you haven’t even hit the crest of the mountain. You’re clawing at the dirt, caking it under your nails. You want to reach the summit. You know the battle is still raging and it’s on the other side of this ridge. It is slow going now but only if you could get to the other side. Kathryn, you’re still my princess warrior, even when times are slow, I chose you because I know you won’t retreat, you won’t back down. You won’t give up when it feels like you are sliding down the dirt on the mountainside. I’ll be there to catch you. I won’t let you lose ground. You love righteousness and hate wickedness, and thus, you are my joy, MY DELIGHT, and I have placed you above your peers. In this, you take others with you into VICTORY. You love community, and that reflects my heart. You encourage others to keep riding, you give them faith in their abilities as conquerors, and you don’t let them compromise.
YOU WILL GET THERE.
REMAIN STEADFAST IN THIS BATTLE OF YOURS, FIGHT, CRAVE ME, AND I WILL DELIGHT IN YOU ALWAYS. FIGHT KATHRYN. THAT IS WHO YOU ARE, DO NOT COMPROMISE, YOU WERE MADE FOR VICTORY, MY WARRIOR PRINCESS.”
P.S.
Faithful readers… I planned on starting this blog by apologizing for my last blog, but now, I can not do that. I want you all to know this is my life. This is hard. Just because you are on the mission field does not mean things get easy, in fact, it gets harder! You learn to fight harder, believe more and trust no matter what. This was the first time in my life I had to believe what I have been told my whole life by people, pastors, and mentors. God WILL NEVER leave you. “Seek Him with ALL your heart and you WILL find him.” Don’t lose heart, fight my friends. I want to thank you all for sticking this out with me, for accepting me for who I am, for letting me show you my weaknesses, and be vulnerable. Isn’t that was Christianity is about. Before I took my blog off public viewing, I got many comments that I read after my freedom session (let’s call it that : ) ). AND each comment confirmed what God spoke to me. Thank you all for fighting this with me, for speaking life into me when I don’t feel it. All I can say is Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Keep commenting, it makes a huge difference. I love you all.
