(This is a short blog a wrote two weeks ago, and am just having time to post it!)
I’ve been going through some strange emotions lately. Emotions of who I was pre-race. I have been getting angry/irritated more often, I have misplaced my passion for being a true servant for others, and I have been trying to figure out why. I think it all started when Grandma died. I avoided talking to God because I did not understand and to be honest, I have never had to come to God for something like that before. Basically, I have never been close to experiencing the kind of trials Job had, because up until the Race, my life was pretty easy. I mean, I had my up and downs but nothing that shook me too much. But now, with my Grandma dying…. God and I never had that kind of relationship. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to hear Him in that matter, so I just avoided it. Then recently, my mom has been sick with a blood infection and other strange illnesses. She has been needing to go to the hospital pretty frequently and they are still not 100% what is wrong. In my mind, if you are sick and they don’t know why…. that is far from comforting.
SO, again, I avoided conversation with God. I mean why now, why two weeks before I get home is all this happening?! I have been actually angry at God. Then in turn, angry at myself for having such a lack of faith in these situations. I talk about how strong God is in my life and now, when I don’t even skim the surface of what Job went through, I turn my face?
I felt ashamed and pathetic, and most of all, still angry.
But then… as God always does eventually, never in my timing but His, He spoke to me.
I was sitting at a table thinking about what relationships I have back home, and how I want them to change for the better when I get home. Among that list was my family, imparticuarlly my Mom, and it hit me, life it fleeting. The last time my mom was in the hospital like this and it was really serious was when she had a heart attack and I still didn’t take full advantage of my time with her, that she was still alive. I felt like God was telling me, this is my second chance. He was reminding me of how lucky I am that she is still alive and I can start fresh, but I have to remember life is fleeting. Then I remembered my Grandma… I was mad and angry and I could not understand why she died right before I got home, and I truly think that God used that to remind me how life is fleeting as well, that I am going home and I have to make a conscious effort to be the person I want to be for others and for myself. To make the most out of opportunities.
Sometimes in life we feel like we have all the time in the world, and the next thing you know people are gone.
I came on this race to change, change for myself, change for God, change for the people around me, to become the Woman of Victory, Grace, Strength, Love and Purpose that Papa created me to be. Now, I can either choose to walk away from the race unchanged or take who I am now, home, and walk out my identity.
