How do I keep worshiping a God I don’t feel? Does that make any sense????
Papa, why have you left me? Why can’t I feel you?
This month has been hard. Besides the fact that it consisted of manual labor…
This month has been hard because I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I find myself asking, “Why can’t I have a normal life?” Which is funny because I don’t even know what normal looks like anymore. I am tired of fighting for my relationship with God. I am not sure when I got this attitude, because I started off this month totally different, I mean, I wrote a blog about feeling God in the bathroom, for heaven’s sake. I’d like to blame my lack of motivation on spiritual warfare here, and maybe some of it is, but is the enemy really keeping me from picking up my Bible or praying? How much credit can I give Satan without leading to justifying my actions. I don’t know honestly and would love an answer. All I know is this, I don’t feel God. I also know that this is the first time I can say I wouldn’t mind going home. I know that I feel forgotten, and lonely, I want my life back. I want hot water, I want my clean unstained clothes, I want my family, I don’t want to have to fight. I know that I feel overwhelmed with what I need to ‘fix’ in myself and that I am struggling to find where I fit with my new team, trying to let go of ‘what was’. What is the point of suffering here if I feel nothing.
I have heard my whole life to persevere even when it feels dry, but if God is the God I think He is, why would He ever leave us feeling empty. Yeah, you can tell me to remember the story of Job, and I will continue to say that I don’t understand. How can we love and worship a God that is not present?
Is that not what makes Christianity different than other religions?! The experience we have with God?
Is God waiting to something specific to happen to, BAM, show up and break me again?? And when is that, because honestly, I am over fighting for that breaking point.
Call it complacent, call it what you may, but that is how I feel right now.
Spoken to me after I read over this blog…
“My precious daughter, how do I keep loving you when I don’t feel you loving me? Does that make any sense????
Kathryn, why have you left me? Why can’t I feel you?”
Where to go now…
