(Quick small update: In Southern Romania, Dragonesti Olt. The ministy we are with are AMAZING!!! I was not initionally excited about coming here because I have been to Romania before but it's wonderful. I will soon post a blog with details of minsitry this month.)
I’ve always been known for being my extroverted self.
Loud laugh.
Silly jokes that I repeatedly tell people (which btw, never stop being funny to me)
Loud voice.
Always having something to say.
Speaks my mind.
I could go on and on…
I mean, people usually ask me what is wrong if I go a significant amount of time without talking.
Papa started to whisper… then yell…. in my ear that, that area needed to go through the fire of refinement.
So I have had this on-going battle, the last few weeks or MORE, asking myself what REALLY defines me.
Was it that people saw me as the ‘life of the party’? That, that is what I needed to do to gain acceptance and to shine.
I started to feel guilty about the way I have been so extroverted and wanting to be in the middle of everything.
I started really seeing ugly things about me…
It was hard. It was hard to not let those ugly things define me. Rather, to see it as a blessing that God knows that I am ready to go deeper into refinement with Him. Before now, God knew I was not in a place to grow in this hard, HARD area for me. THANK you Papa for being the author of time.
The Ugly about Kathryn:
There are times that I choose not to get to know people that I think will take away from me, someone who ‘can do it better’ than me. If I think that I will be pushed in the background, then I run. I sometimes struggle with learning how to rejoice with people for their successes because I instantly will get a jealous spirit. I can think back to friendships I threw away because they MADE me feel insecure, people I chose not to pursue because they MIGHT make me feel insecure.
When I spoke with my amazing momma the other night, I mentioned this ugly burden on my heart, that I knew I wanted to rise above it but didn’t know how to start.
She reminded me of the verse, “Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice.”
I meditated on the verse for a long time and felt so convicted by it.
If I can not rejoice with OTHERS for the work the LORD does in and through them, I am missing what an element of rejoicing in the LORD is.
My momma encouraged me to pray every morning for someone around me, to pray that God would teach me how to rejoice with them. How to let them shine and be their biggest cheerleader.
My sister women in Christ,
I know I am not the only one who struggles with this… that is why I am writing this blog.
When we see a sister walk in somewhere, with THE CUTEST jacket that you wanted to buy the day before but couldn’t, don’t stand back and let bitterness rise up, REJOICE with her!
When we see a sister get engaged and you have been in a serious relationship for a year longer than her, don’t ignore her and let envy rise up, REJOICE with her!
When she has the most beautiful voice ever and you can’t sing a tune if your life depended on it, don’t let yourself feel less than, and in turn make her feel less than for your own pleasure of feeling ABOVE HER, praise God for making her strengths so wonderful, yet different than yours.
Don’t look at a beautiful woman and try to find flaws in her skin, body, hair, facial features, or past, to make you feel better about yourself, tell her how perfectly God made her and the things that you think are so beautiful about her!
Sisters, take out the words 'I WISH I. . .' from your vocabulary. Take them OUT! Don't follow compliments for others with 'I WISH I,' that is not true rejoicing. Like, I wish I was more. . . I wish I had one too. . . I wish I. . . NO MORE!"
“A contented woman is never jealous of another woman’s success because she knows GOD is ALWAYS good to her.”
I am not writing this to say I have this down perfect, in fact, I am very far from it, but we can pray together, and I especially ask you all to pray for me in this area, that I may learn to rejoice fully for the people around me, in particularly women.
I’ve always been known for being my extroverted self.
Loud laugh.
Silly jokes that I repeatedly tell people (which btw, never stop being funny to me)
Loud voice.
Always having something to say.
Speaks my mind.
God is not calling me to change those things about me, that is what makes me ME, but HE IS calling me to allow room for others around me to ‘outshine’ me and for me to still know that I am shining in His glory. Shining in humility for others and fully ‘Rejoicing in the Lord.’ He IS calling me to use discernment more often and not go off of my initial feelings of insecurity, to STAND FIRM in my identity in HIM.
If you don’t see yourself the way God sees you, you will constantly run to others to find validity for who you are. Once you see yourself the way God sees you, you stop caring what other people think. If you are surrendered to the opinion of ONE, you let go of the others opinions.
These lyrics by JJ Heller- Only You, hit me hard:
“Are you the center of attention at all times
God help the man who takes away your chance to shine
Everyone is known for something
What's it going to be for you
No one else can paint your portrait
With an unobstructed view
You're the one who gets to choose
How much of you you've got to lose
How much of you you've yet to gain
Who are you… “
