I am a sunbeam chaser. Which is ironic because cats do the same thing, and my nick name is Kat……………… okayyyyyyy, moving right along…
I love early morning flights because there is chance that I will be sitting at a window seat, with the sun rising up, beaming through my window – soaking my face, arms, and legs like a wool blanket of warmth. Something about those moments make me feel like I live in a utopian land made of rainbows. Where the rain is made of dark chocolate truffles and I sleep on a bed made of cotton candy. I kid you not, this is one of my favorite things in life, it is my happy place.
I was on my flight heading back to the United States for a three day leader debrief with my co-leaders and I was staring enviously at the man in the window seat stealing my beam. He didn’t even appreciate it! He slid the cover over the window. What a waste of a perfectly angled sunbeam.
Luckily, on my flight a few days later to Ohio, (I was flying there to see my cousin and her husband who just had twins) I got it. I got the SUNBEAM, or at least an inch of it on my right knee. I was doubtful at first because it was decently cloudy out when I left Atlanta. That’s the beauty of airplanes though, they go above the clouds. No matter what the clouds are doing under me, I get direct VIP access to my happy place.
Please hit pause on this, perfectly sculpted metaphor.
People have been asking me how Squad Leading was and I am struggling to formulate words to explain my past 5 months. One, because it was a whirlwind. Two, because my answer may not be what people expect or want to hear.
In hindsight, I realized when I applied to Squad Lead, I glamorized the idea of leading. Well let me tell you, it’s not all candy and rainbows and – sunbeams. In fact it is hard, and it pulls and pokes at every insecurity I had before and threatens to make that wound deeper and more susceptible to infection. My friend, Matt, and I were talking the other day and he shared a quote that said, “Your success in leadership is directly related to your ability to suffer.” – I can’t find who actually said that but wherever you are, I give you credit. I know that quote sounds quite dramatic and dismal but when you think about it, the greatest leader on earth was Jesus and I would certainly say that He suffered. Suffering comes from serving others above yourself. Needless to say, my 5 months consisted of a lot of suffering.
At some point in my life I decided the illusion I created of myself in my head was better than the real me. Thus, I wanted the Squad to see the imaginary me not the real me. It wasn’t preconceived or anything, it was all unconscious. I thought I needed to be the me that has it all together, is patient and never says the wrong thing. The me who knows all the answers and knows every cross reference by memory in Scripture. The me who never has a bad day or wants to quit. The me who is logistically talented and can makes charts and schedules. Unfortunately, and fortunately masks get ripped off pretty fast when you live day in and day out with people. During Squad Leading, I couldn’t just punch my time card at the end of the day. I couldn’t buy a one way ticket home to escape for a weekend. My Squad saw my good along with my ugly.They saw me shine and they saw my imperfections.
I hated that they saw my imperfections! Because leaders are supposed to be perfect…right?!
We all know that is not true. I would never have admitted that I thought leaders were supposed to be perfect before I Squad Led, but to actually get yourself to believe you can’t be perfect while leading is another thing. I would think back to different leaders in my life and they were such brilliant people, they knew what to say when you say it. They influenced and directed people to a beautifully crafted holistic vision. I can recall in El Salvador laying on my sleeping pad in a tent, replaying all the mistakes I thought I made already. I would ruminate over one situation and see all the ways I didn’t measure up to other leaders.
Since I made myself believe that I couldn’t meet the standard of a leader, I came to the conclusion that I needed to become a different kind of leader. When in reality, God didn’t ask me to be a leader because of who I needed to become, He asked me to be a leader because of who I already am, while willing to walk into refinement.
I started measuring myself with other people’s measuring stick. When in reality the only measuring stick that matters is God’s. My worth and abilities are measured only by the One who has ultimate authority. The One that created me. This was something we learned at debrief with all the leaders with the McCormicks and Vanessa. Anytime we give others the right to measure us, we are giving away the authority that belongs to God. He is the one that says, “Well done.” He is the One that calls and empowers us.
I think it is healthy to adapt your leadership style depending on the group of individuals you are leading but not at the cost of loosing site of what makes you unique as a leader. However, I know without a doubt in my mind that these 5 months offered an avenue for me to learn about different talents I wasn’t aware I had. It pushed me to operate in a new way, sometimes I excelled and sometimes I bombed. I didn’t like so much the bombing part.:)
It was a balancing act between knowing how to consistently be true to myself and and at times, acknowledge it as God’s asking for me to walk into a new capacity of leading. I become very meticulous with details. I realized when I lead, I love schedules and CHARTS EVEN! Who knew!
So my squad saw all my inadequacies and imperfections. I wasn’t this, glittery being that people wanted to talk to all the time, throwing pixie dust on everyone who walked by. I was Kathryn. And in reality, God said Kathryn was sufficient from the beginning. I may have thought I would be like the Ice Cream Man driving by your house as a child – whimsical music blaring out of a loud speaker. Kids running to you, arms wide open, waving you down, smiles wide, asking if they can have what you got in your big ‘ol truck.
Truth be told, my big ‘ol truck was not as magical as I wanted it to be.
I learned that when leading we can’t allow other people’s opinions to come between God and our purpose.
We need to know what gives us rest and life and CHOOSE to fight for it. We can’t give Living Water to others when our well is dry. It creates exhaustion and is an incubator for confusion and fear to make their home in our life instead of faith.
At the end of the day, if I lived so closely in community with my squad they saw my imperfections and weaknesses then I say amen to that. It is a testimony of real life – real people. It is in the imperfections that authenticity comes out. It is where true community thrives. Where grace and forgiveness lives. And isn’t our whole life journey about learning and re-learning grace? Grace for ourselves and grace for others?
If I were to sum up my 5 months Squad Leading it would be in one word. Grace. Grace is something we may never FULLY be able to understand but when God offers seasons of life to dive deeper into the depths of what grace is, we can’t sit back and sulk. We need to get on our knees and praise God for the opportunity to learn more about His character and in turn, refine our own.
Ok, now hit play on the metaphor…
I am just starting to emerge out of the clouds, sitting at a window seat, leaning into the window believing the sunbeam will come. I still feel jolted by the turbulence coming up but I know, above the ever changing weather of the past 5 months, there is freedom. There is clarity and there is my long awaited happy place. A place where my heart is at rest, awaiting the next season.
Side-note: To any leader out there… I want to personally say thank you, what you do is not easy. And if I ever see the president I will say thank you to him, even if I don’t agree with everything he does. I do not envy his job in the slightest and sometimes a thank you makes all the difference.
*I am going to be heading back to El Salvador for two weeks because my friend is living there and then I will be heading back home to Wyoming. As far as I am concerned these next few month are still part of my Race and the journey God is taking me on, until M-Squad comes home in November.*
