I can’t fall asleep tonight.
There is just so so much on my mind and heart. I have a busy next couple of days, trying to visit as many people as possible, spend as much time as possible with people before I move home Monday. I don’t feel like there is enough time to have genuine time with people. I’m afraid that I am going to be tired and cranky, and I’m going to expect things, and they won’t happen. Instead of leaving people with a happy, cheerful smile, and love on my heart- it is going to be tired, cranky, uncomfortable, and anxiety.
What am I so anxious about?
I don’t even know. I think I may be anxious that I am anxious. I fear a little bit that I have developed a different sort of anxiety in this past year. I’ve only got it really bad a couple of times, but it is literally heart pounding, can’t do anything to change the feeling of panic inside of me. So, what am I panicking about? Mainly things that I’m afraid I will forget. I panic about not being prepared enough. I’m afraid to be physically weak. I’m afraid to be spiritually weak. I know that I won’t be able to take care of myself or others like I want to at times, and I don’t think I can handle that.
I worry that people won’t miss me. I worry that people will too much.
I’m so afraid of how I feel right now.
This was about a week ago, and I would like to say that all my worries and fears are gone. I would like to say that I am completely prepared and that I have complete peace and confidence in my abilities. But I don’t, I’m not. I’m still afraid. But for the most part I think I have changed my perspective- I have at least been a lot less anxious.
See I live my life in fear of judgment from others. If you ask me if I care what others think of me, I would probably say “no”, but I honestly live by it. I’ve always known it, but when I dig deeper in these issues listed above- it is laced with fear and judgment from people.
This takes away my confidence and self-acceptance and leaves me with so much to prove.
I see how this is an issue. I know that “fear of anything besides God, is mutually exclusive to faith in God”. Oh, how I lack faith sometimes!
It is finally lighter outside, so I’m about to pack up my car and head back home. I much appreciate your prayers and support! I hope you all have a great time with friends and family this Christmas season. And please stop worrying about impressing people with Christmas gifts, eloquent conversation, a clean house, the best dessert, etc… and remember who we worship, and who came to this world to serve and save us in the most humble and modest way possible!
