I never know what to write or include in a section like this.
So many of you reading this have known me in very different parts of my life, some of you knew me as a kid, and don’t really know who I am now, and others of you know me now and would like to know where I came from or how I got here…
I grew up in a small town in north-west Wisconsin. I have a wonderful family, and much enjoyed my childhood. My family has always been a “church-going” family with “good” morals and mindsets to work hard and not to waste anything. As my 3 siblings and I have grown up our family dynamics have changed. Every person in my family has grown and changed (in their own time and way) from a “church-goer” to a “Christ-follower”, working hard with each other to encourage, help, and support as much as we can. This has very much affected and formed me to be the person I am today.
My relationship with Christ started when I was 7 or 8. I heard a message at “counsel time” in AWANA (a children’s ministry at my church) about forgiveness and grace, and the cross that Christ died on for my sins. I prayed a prayer that night asking God to forgive me and become the savior of my life. At that age, I’m not sure if I really knew what that decision meant other than “getting out” of hell.
Going into junior high and high school, your fear and focus quickly shifts to being accepted and loved by your peers. (Somewhat) Lucky for me, being a “Christian” was a pretty cool thing for a lot of my peers at that time. Between 5-8th grade I had a large group of girls that loved going to youth group and summer bible camp. In high school I had a great and diverse group of friends who really did love Jesus and wanted to incorporate Him into their lives. I really am very grateful for that part of my life and what God did through that group of friends and the way He used us in leadership and in love for one another and many different people in many different “social” groups in our school- so unique.
I didn’t realize till later, that a lot of these earlier years of my faith walk were so legalistic. They were a lot about following rules, keeping up an image, and gaining respect and honor from friends, family, and the community. While God had given me a passion for serving and loving people, I wasn’t doing it for Him- or even them- I was doing it for me. I didn’t want Jesus to be the savior- I wanted to be the savior of all. Bold statement- but often (still) a true subconscious thought.
In college I learned a lot about myself. I got pushed outside my Christian “bubble”. I had to start making more decisions on my own- there wasn’t anyone there to really make proud or impress- and a lot of the time I didn’t know what to do (still dont ;)). I got involved with a Christian organization (Intervarsity). I also ran cross country and track for the university. These two groups of people became my new family and community. To a certain extent, they became the new focus of my image preservation. I wanted to impress them and be held in high honor by them. I had a few friends that were involved in both athletics and Intervarsity, but a lot of times the interests of these two groups clashed, as well as my ability to keep up appearances properly in each area. I struggled for the entire 4 years that I was in college with this clash. Through leadership roles in each organization, many good and bad experiences, lots of tears, and many long talks with great friends- I grew. I came back to the (somewhat obvious) realization that it wasn’t about choosing to be more like or to please my Intervarsity friends and staff or my CC and Track associations- it was about trying to be more like Christ and to please Him.
After college, life has been much the same. Newer, bigger decisions to make, and a bigger world/audience to try to please and impress. As life gets bigger, as pressures grow, as I make mistakes and fail… as a struggle, as I doubt, and as I fear….
The only hope and comfort that I can cling to is that God only gets bigger. He can carry more than I can, He doesn’t make mistakes, His love covers more than I thought, His grace is truly amazing, and I need Him to save me from everything that I let rule my life.
