My lease is up this month, and I need to be out of my place exactly one week from today. My parents are coming down tomorrow to help me move, but I still dont know where I’m moving to.
I’ve been stressing about figuring it out for well over a month now. I started looking for options through my church (which posting a paragraph in our “needs” section took a lot of pride swallowing). The results were overwhelming. I’ve made quite a few visits, and met a lot more people in my church- but I still havent committed to anything, and I’m not entirely sure why.
I think it is a lot like the poem I wrote the other day (Which Path, Which Way?). I’m so worried about predicting what will result from my decisions that I can’t make them. A lot of the fears have to do with money. Gas money- the distance I would have to commute to work- Rent asking, how much money the host family would require- and other ways that I could make up for lack of monetary benefit (if they offer free board). And I have a job, I will have plenty of money to offer- but I still want so badly to save the maximum amount I can personally. I worry about being an intruder, I worry about locking myself in a room and become anti-social because it is “easier” than getting to know new people. Discomfort, strain, constant worry….
I’ve discussed this with so many people, and they all think I’m slightly silly. “Kathryn, they wouldn’t have offered you up their home if they didn’t want to help you.” “That sounds like a great option.” “Let them serve you”…. I’ve been reading through a lot of bible passages about “fundraising” (asking for help) and how we are put on this earth together to help each other and balance each other out with our talents and gifts. I have no problem with that when I am the one doing the giving/serving, but when the table it turned I can’t stand it.
So fears that have been ever present and in-grained into me are covering the paths I have to choose from…. 1) having to ask someone else to serve me, to let them, and accepting that I can’t earn all of the money (take care of myself) for this trip. 2) Letting my outward appearance fall- letting my worry and dis-comfort, my weakling insides be seen. Letting Christ’s power be made perfect in my weakness….
Regardless of what I choose, I know that the fears will come back up at the next fork. God is stretching me. It isn’t fun. But I know it is necessary. Prayers please!
