I haven’t written for a while, because I’ve been trying to avoid places where I focus so much on people’s reaction and what I can say or express to make them view me in a certain way. Facebook is one thing, but I can get just as caught up and carried away here.
Another reason for not writing, is I just don’t know how to express in words what all is happening with me.
I’m still fighting with need, and asking or accepting help. But more-so being grateful for help- not bitter, or resentful, or guilt ridden. So often I feel that I need to make up for what people give to me, I need to reassure them, prove myself to them, compliment them, give back to them in an equal or greater measure so it is fair. A simple “Thank-you” just doesn’t seem adequate for me.
Something that my pastor said at church tonight is kind of sticking with me in a weird way. “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble” – and thinking about what God is like (what He is capable of), it would be pretty dumb to choose to oppose Him, right? Yet I do. So much more pride to deal with than I ever knew. I hope that I can choose a more humble path to need soon.
I’ve been quite a bit more positive about most things lately. Just really trying to be more grateful. But things like: work hours can be a blessing and a curse, less sleep, weaker immune systems, “to-do” lists get longer, free time gets shorter, more people want to talk to me, gets added to the “to-do” list… it just gets so overwhelming and out of my control. And everyday I have to choose to look at what has been accomplished and be happy, and thankful, or I focus on the awaiting list and get stressed and panicked.
This song has been constantly in my mind and on my speakers the past 2 days, really gets to the gut of how I’m feeling. It really displays the passion and emotions I’m feeling as well as the truths I’ve been struggling to accept and admit.
