I am a very “experiential” person. I’m a “hands-on” learner. I’m curious. I need to see, to feel, to touch…
I don’t like going part of the way- it is all or nothing. If I haven’t physically experienced something I can’t relate. And if I can’t relate, I have a hard time believing it is true. If I (in my “flesh”/ my body) cannot accomplish something, see something, conquer something, or (for lack of a better/different word) experience something I doubt it so much more.
I have so much more faith in my flesh, than in my God.
And what I have faith in, becomes the truth of my being. The truths of the flesh for me= imperfection, failure, weakness, pain, suffering, bitterness, jealousy, anger, pride, insecurity… basically sin. I mean we are born with a “sinful” nature, so duh- flesh sucks. But, flesh can also provide and lavish me with certain comforts and conveniences in this world (especially in the country and culture I live in). These things make me feel in control and help mask over those negative parts of the flesh. *(see previous entry “the curse of comfort and convenience”). So, with this as my “truth” this is what ends up happening:
And the only way to ever get to perfection is going “straight” through the cross. Accepting the gift God gave us of His son (yada yada yada- DON’T TUNE THIS PART OUT!), to take our sin and failures into a new life where perfection is possible. But I have never experienced that- perfection. I haven’t fully experienced God’s grace, mercy, forgiveness, love…. Not in a physical way, not in a tangible, hands on way. I haven’t seen it all, felt it…
I know this stuff- I’ve read it in a book- read it in the bible, been lectured to, heard sermons- witnessed lives changing, recognized God’s love in relationships, known that He has placed specific passions and desires in me, know He has a plan- a good plan… I grew up in a great church, I have very loving, God fearing family and friends. It is just sometimes “what I know in my head, won’t go to my heart…”
Don’t get me wrong, I have experienced times and moments of God’s love- I have seen glimpses. There are things in my life that have happened that make so much sense- that I have understood to be all God’s will and timing and design. It is just right now, at this time in my life- I simply have more “faith” in my flesh than in my God. I don’t know how my perception got twisted, but this is how I see myself a lot of the time:
Instead of what I know is meant to be:
So, I don’t want you to worry about me- or feel anxious or super concerned about my salvation and relationship with God. I really just wanted to be super raw and honest (not unusual I guess), about what God is teaching me. And that mainly is that my faith is in the wrong truth right now, and He really just wants me to experience Him more- to increase my contact, my time with Him, my knowledge of Him- so that my faith in Him may increase; and hopefully in that process faith in my flesh may decrease- because I know that it will fail anyway…
