One thing I’ve really begun to notice about myself is my need, desire, and effort to be everyone’s favorite.
The definition of favorite (via dictionary.com) is as follows:
“A person or thing regarded with special favor or preference.”
“(In sports) a competitor considered likely to win.”
I especially noticed it this past week during our debrief. When our whole squad is together I just get overwhelmed. I want to do everything with everybody. I want to be the center of the fun, I don’t want to miss out on any memory. I get jealous of other people desiring to hang out with other people over me. And experiences that I don’t get to be a part of.
I do this with each new contact we meet each month. I go into anxiety mode, or get really frustrated because my teammates are more vocal than me, or stand out- are noticed more than me. It turns into a competition in my brain. I either give up, because I don’t feel I have an equal talent or am worthy of the favor; or I throw my teammates under the bus- I disassociate myself from them and try to make them look bad or seem incapable and unworthy. Not exactly a way to be on a “team”, right?
It happens with team leaders and squad leaders. They have been put in a position of leadership over me. My good friend Dani was on my team for the first part of he race, and then she became my leader- I went from simply trying to be her friend/ally, to trying to impress her or earn her favor- which I think hurt our relationship quite a bit.
Also our team leaders and squad leaders need and get extra support and attention from our leadership staff back in the states. This causes jealousy in me, because there is some sort of favor and attention that is higher than what I am receiving- and there must be more I can do to earn it.
I do the same thing with my family and friends back home. This one is hard for me to completely vocalize, but it’s more of the same. I pride myself on being able to read people and know their deepest wants and needs, and compete to be the first to please them- to earn their favor. I try to keep myself looking in the best light possible, so when compared to others I look better, I can avoid a “wrath” of sorts, because I have favor. This has hurt a huge number of people I love.
And I do this with God. I treat it like a competition. I either am winning or losing. I’m either looking good or looking bad. I’m either squashing the competition or getting squashed myself. Competing is exhausting. I never feel worthy of God’s favor. There are so many people that look so much better than me…
Generally speaking, a “favorite” is singular. It’s the thing that beats everything else out. It’s the first choice. It’s the kid that gets picked first for a kickball team. And we always want to be that, right? I know I do.
What do we do, when we don’t get that? We can’t always be the favorite. There are billions of people/ choices in the world to chose from. It isn’t possible for everyone to be THEE favorite.
Is it possible for everyone to be God’s favorite?
What can we do to earn God’s favor?
I know the answer to these. I would say that it is obvious to most Christians. However, my longings and desires are still there, under the surface. I still think somewhere that I have to prove something, to stand out, to be stronger and better.
My relationships, and my ability to love people is directly affected my view of God’s relationship and love toward me. How I view my worthiness and favor from God is how I view others worthiness and favor (for me and from me).
This is my focus for the new month.
My team and I will be doing Unsung Heroes throughout the country of Peru.
Your prayers and support are so greatly appreciated!
