Any feedback I have ever, or could ever think to give, I can combat or dull it out with something I could do instead. Something I need to see better, or something I need to work on. So it always comes down to do I ask them to try to love me better, or do I just try to love them better? What’s more important?
First of all, in my mind, I shouldn’t have to ask for love. Like I guess I was talking about yesterday. Second of all, sometimes I either think I don’t deserve love, or I don’t need it/ (I don’t want to need it)> maybe I don’t feel like I deserve it because, needy people are so negative in my mind and maybe subconsciously I feel like they don’t deserve it. (Asking= a needy person in my mind most of the time).
Thirdly, like I’ve been working on/thinking about all month, I put myself in the middle of the circle and try to be all-knowing, all peace-making, all powerful, all-loving, and all caring, protecting, etc… to all the people (aka try to be God), and I just don’t have enough love. Even if I relied on God more, even if I deny myself more, I don’t think (while still human) I can contain the amount of love for people that I desire to> or that can put me in the middle of the circle> or that can make me God.
Fourth, I don’t think it is love at all that we are actually talking about. It’s the selfish empowerment I feel when people need me, when they rely on me. The debate comes down to whether or not I want to let them be empowered by my need. Its a comparison of need. A test of weakness. And I hate being seen as weak in this way.
This past week for our “off” day, Scott took us to the ocean.
There have been many songs, and poems, and things said about the ocean, and the wonder of it, the beauty, the power, the vastness of it…
One of my worship styles/ ways I feel closest to God is through nature. Being in, looking at, and studying creation. The ocean is one of those things. I have only been to it a hand-full of times in my life, but it terrifies me. I have no power over it. I have little to no control of where the waves take me. The Rip current on the Pacific is particularly strong here in Nicaragua, it is a constant pressure you are caught up in. One current pulling you out, one pulling you in, and one pulling you sideways. It is exhausting.
Opposing the sandy beach area here, was a rock shoreline. I walked along it with some of my teammates. Still enamored by the power and the danger of each crashing wave. They beat against the rock face with such force. These rocks take constant abuse. They are a million times more sturdy and strong than I am. Yet, slowly the water erodes them, it wears on them, it carves them out. The tide rises to cover them, and pulls tiny pieces from them.
Month 1, in El Salvador my squad leader wrote me this: “You have a beautiful spirit that is teachable and hungry for more down in your depths. Keep carving out those caverns to make room for the well water to catch.”
I feel like God does want to carve out caverns in me. So I get excited and try to run out in the waves to meet Him. I try to fight the currents, I try to ride the waves, I try to dodge them, I try to out-run them- but they take me under, I fall and get flipped upside down. I get awful salt water in my eyes, nose and lungs. I get scared. I might lose control, I might get pulled out into the depths, I might drown…
I need to sit back and wait. I need to be the rock cliffs. Let the waters rise to me. Let them slowly refine me (oh how I hate slow processes). Let those powerful currents and huge waves meet me at a place where I am firmly planted. They will still take parts of me, they will still beat me up and wear me down. But it is far more beautiful and graceful then tumbling around in fear in the waves alone.
