My head is spinning, and I find myself going between tears and numbness. Overwhelmed – that’s the best word I can think of to describe how I feel. I’ve been so out-of-my-element that I’m sure I haven’t been as kind toward my loved ones as I should be.
I said goodbye to lots of people last week. I mostly felt detached and calm. But now I think of my family, my friends, my man, and I can’t quite keep the tears and the lump in my throat from coming. It’s hard to leave the people I love for a year, especially when I will lack the means for any consistent communication with them.
I look at my 39-pound pack, and I wonder what in the world made me look for a mission that would challenge me physically. Why did I want to carry that pack and live in a tent for a year? Why do I want to wear the same pants and shirt every day for a year? At the moment, I can’t quite remember..
I’m surrounded by so many people, and the humming sound of all their voices speaking at once reminds me that I will not get any alone time for the next 11 months. For an introvert like me, that is hard to know how to deal with.
I’m going through training to be the treasurer/finance coordinator, and the budget looks fairly simple yet the responsibility of it all seems a little daunting. How do you spend $5 dollars per person per DAY for food while in the USA but do it in a way that keeps your team from feeling perpetually hungry? My team leader and I split a $5 footlong at subway for lunch… If I’m still hungry, he must be even more so.
And then I remember that God says, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own (Matthew 6:34).” I know I can give Him my worries and fears and sadness and expectations. In fact, He says “You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10).” Yay! It’s good to remember that He picked me for this moment, and He has not left me to wade through it on my own. And I know He has chosen and walks with each of my loved ones as they continue on at home.
That encourages my heart as I find this process of leaving so hard.
Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob,
all the remnant of the people of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since your birth,
and have carried since you were born.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.Isaiah 46:3-4
