I didn’t think it would be like this…
Within a couple minutes, my heart can go from feeling numb to feeling angry to feeling despair to being completely freaked out about life, back to feeling numb again.
I have random moments of laying on the ground weeping so hard my body aches.
Spending time with the Lord is hard.
I have made some precious connections with old friends since coming back.
The thought of going back to work makes me feel trapped.
I put on weight eating all the foods I missed over the past year.
I spend hour after hour after hour burying myself in books and movies in order to numb myself from the overwhelming sense of loss.
My life has started to feel useless.
God feels so far away, yet so near all at once.
I get so fearful of the future that I become nauseous and can’t stop shaking.
I’ve given up making dreams and plans, since the Lord usually seems to direct my steps elsewhere anyway.
Being out in the sunshine still makes me feel happy.
I feel an emptiness in my gut all day, and sometimes it wakes me up at night.
Occasionally I’ll read a scripture that reminds me that my Jesus sees me in it all, which makes me cry sweet tears of release. I’ll feel His love even as I struggle through the muck.
I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t think it would be like this.
