When I was in college, it was a unique time in my relationship with Jesus. You see, I could almost physically, tangibly sense His presence with Me. I would be walking along, and some sort of thought would enter my mind. “Hey God, what do you think about that?” And suddenly, I would feel Him so close that I would move over to make room for Him on the sidewalk. I would reach out my hand to hold His while I walked to class. One time, I was upset about something, crying pretty hard by myself, and before I knew it, I could feel Him sitting with me there on the bench, comforting me as I cried. They were some precious moments with Jesus that made me love Him so much more.
Time passed and grad school came. Grad school was miserable, especially the last year. I found myself stressed and exhausted, and by my last year there were no more walks down the hall arm in arm with Jesus. Still I had dreams of Jesus coming to visit me, to call me forward in following Him. I loved those dreams, and I would wake from them and cry because of how much I missed Jesus. I wanted to go back to sleep so I could spend more time with Him.
Upon finishing school and beginning work, I became ill for a year, while trying to work 10-12 hours a day. I was exhausted and in pain all the time, and I was trying to build relationships through it as well. Then as my body got well, I took on the role of clinic director at my work, 70-100 hours each week. When I finally was able to work a 40 hour week again, about a year later, drama started both at work and in my personal life – stuff I couldn’t control but tried desperately to fix. I finally stepped down from the position of clinic director in September of 2012.
Around that time, a friend of mine felt the Lord tell him that I would be entering a season of joy. And in December of that year, a lady came up to me and said the Lord gave her a vision of His hands giving me a very beautifully wrapped present in the coming year. 2013 ended up being one of the more emotionally painful years of my life, and I still struggle to understand what God was doing and is doing in it all. Where was that season of joy? Where was the gift the Lord was supposed to give me, in the midst of losses I experienced?
And so, by the time the World Race began, I was burned out – burned out on work, burned out on relationships, burned out on church, burned out on God, burned out on life. Somewhere along the line, I stopped asking Jesus to come sit on the edge of my bed and talk with me as I fell asleep. Somewhere along the line, I stopped caring. I didn’t enjoy my Father/Lover/Best Friend anymore. But I wanted to.
When I was in the Dominican, things began to change. I was listening to some worship on my ipod on a 2 hour cramped bus ride. The song was “God, I Look to You.”
“God, I look to You.
I won’t be overwhelmed.
Give me vision to see things like you do.
God, I look to You.
You’re where my help comes from.
Give me wisdom. You know just what to do.
And I will love you Lord, my Strength
I will love you Lord, my Shield
I will love you Lord, my Rock
Forever all my days,
I will love you, God.”
And suddenly I found myself crying. I felt God’s presence so strongly enveloping me, as though He and I were the only ones on the bus. For the first time in a long time, His presence was sweet. I sat there the entire 2 hour bus ride, crying as I just enjoyed His presence and loved Him with my worship.
Since then, I have loved every moment of worship, as I soak in His presence. Yay for enjoying our Father! I also have a newfound love for reading the Bible. My ability to prophesy over people’s lives has grown a bit, and I’m so encouraged every time I see that God really is speaking through me. This month, I have found myself walking down the dusty, rocky Nicaraguan roads once again hand in hand with Jesus.
All I can say at this point is that I am desperate for more.
My prayer for you is that you may experience the amazing, intimate love of our God. May you find yourself walking hand in hand with Jesus.
