A couple nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling really, really scared, and I lay there for a long time with my mind racing from one thing to the next. I feel like I’m scare of everything these days.
I got to thinking about all the things I need to do before I leave, and I got scared that I might forget to do something important or that I might not be able to get everything done in time. I thought about the threat at work to either make the company more money or lose my job, and I got scared about how to meet all the financial needs I’ll have both here and out on the field. I thought about all the things I love being involved in here, and I got scared of losing and leaving it all, music and theater and church. I thought about all my day trips to Kernville or the days I spend by myself just loving Jesus, the refreshing my soul feels with them, and I got scared of being drained out on the field, without opportunity for refreshing. I thought of all the relationships I have, and I got scare of the pain and sorrow that would come with continuing to build relationship, only to eventually lose it.
Then I thought about all the possible diseases and parasites and pickpockets and dangers that can come with travel, and I got scared for my physical well-being. I thought about my team and squad, and I got scared that I will not be what they need me to be, that they won’t like me, that I will be inadequate as treasurer/finance coordinator. I thought about all the people the Lord is sending me to, and I got scared that I don’t have enough love for them, and definitely not enough of His love for them. And I thought about how I was scared of all these things, and I got scared at how selfish, self-centered my life seems.
I sit here and remember a story I heard (sorry if my memory isn’t completely accurate on this) about a man who came across a tiger. The tiger chased him till he came to the edge of a cliff. As he scrambled over the edge of the cliff, he grabbed onto a vine and hung there. Above him was the tiger and below him was the dangers of the rocks. Next to him, he saw a strawberry. So he took and ate it, and quickly announced it was the best strawberry he had ever eaten. The tiger represents the past, the cliff represents the future, and the strawberry is the good gifts the Lord has for us in the present. I once heard a quote, “we often crucify ourselves between two thieves: regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow.”
In the story of Jesus turning water into wine, the person tasting the wine remarks at how “you have saved the best for now.” And I believe that God has saved the best for now. All these fears rob the NOW of its power and joy and life and purpose. I want my life to honor God NOW. I want His love to be expressed to people NOW. I want to be so aware of His presence and goodness and blessings that I don’t miss the amazingness of these NOW moments with Him and the people He sent me to. I don’t want to miss the strawberry for fear of the tiger or the cliff.
