“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9
As a teenager, I remember having some of the basics of my life planned out. I was going to go to college, graduate, get married by the age of 22, start having children within the first couple years of marriage, be finished having children by the age of 30. I thought I might have a career as a translator/missionary/airline pilot/actress (one or all of the above sounded good to me).
By the time I was finishing undergrad and making plans for PT school (who knew I’d pick that career?), I realized I should probably wait till after my doctorate to get married. So that pushed back my plans by a few years… no big deal. But I also had grand plans to move to Europe and practice physical therapy there, since the Lord had told me He would send me somewhere for a year. That dream of Europe persisted even after the Lord sent me home to Ridgecrest for a few years.
I also always had this expectation that the Lord would bless me for waiting to have sex until marriage by giving me a husband who had also waited. But as I have encountered many men in my life, I have discovered that most of them have not waited for marriage. And so, I released my dream of having a virgin husband. I know it is better to just receive and enjoy the richness of the relationship should the Lord ever lead me to marry someday. My struggle comes then in that I never expected I would feel shame at my “inexperience.” That’s a process the Lord may take me through at a later time…
I had dreams that my husband and I might travel together. I discovered, however, that men looking for a wife don’t usually want one who travels, nor do they wish to go with her. The dream for them is to settle down in one spot, make a family, and live “the American dream” together. And I began to make new plans for my life according to what was expected by others. I made new dreams of short-term missions and church planting and marriage and settling down in one place and making a family and continuing with PT here in the states.
But about 2 years ago, the Lord began stirring up in me again that desire to go somewhere. He seemed to be saying, “Remember, I said I would send you away for a year. Let’s get ready to go.” And I struggled with that. I had been thinking I might get married soon, but it had been made clear that he would not go with me nor support me being gone for year. So I came up with alternative plans. I tried to stuff the dream down to a more manageable, acceptable size. And still the Lord kept nudging at me, “Come away with Me.”
And so about a year ago, on June 17, I committed to joining the World Race. That day was one of the hardest for me. My whole body was shaking and I was crying as I sent my deposit accepting my position on this Spanish route. It felt like I was putting the final nail in the coffin for all the plans of marriage and family and love I had made for myself. I wept and grieved over the loss of love, the loss of plans, the loss of stability, the loss of my best friend, the loss of hopes for my life.
This was not what I expected when the Lord said He would send me somewhere. I thought the Lord would send me somewhere several years before now. I thought he would send me to one location in Europe for a year. I thought he might send me with a husband. I thought I would have returned from my travels and be married with children by this point in my life.
Looking back, I see how so many of the plans and dreams and expectations I had for my life failed. I didn’t go to the college I wanted or pick the career I expected or get married and have kids like I wanted or travel the world when I wanted. But I have loved this life God has given me, both the happy and difficult times. Somehow the Lord knew I would adore this journey on which he has led me. Jim Elliot said it well – “I couldn’t have asked for more than God in deliberate grace has surprised me with!” The Lord had a plan I could not have imagined for myself.
The question that kept popping up with all the failed plans was, “how much do I truly trust the Lord?” Does my heart really believe that His plan is greater? And my answer is an overwhelming yes, even when I can’t see past the pain, even when I don’t understand the direction, even when all my dreams and plans and expectations fail. It’s hard to see His goodness when the sorrow is deep… But I know God’s plan is best. I know it. I am learning to trust it. And because I trust, I obey. As Elizabeth Elliot said, “God is God. Because he is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what he is up to.”
And so here I am in Quito, Ecuador, because I trust my Lord, because I believe His plan is best. I just turned 30 years old. I have traveled to Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, Bolivia, and Peru. I’ve hugged and cuddled and prayed for and loved and served so many amazing people in all those countries. I’ve experienced a fresh excitement and passion for the Lord and for the opportunities in ministry. I’ve been learning more about relationship, living in community with my team 24/7.
I am learning more each day how desperately I need my Jesus. My life is in Christ. My hope is in Christ. My strength is in Christ. He is making all things new.
I need you more
More than yesterday
I need you more
More than words can say
I need you more
Than ever before
More than the air I breathe
More than the song I sing
More than my next heartbeat
More than anything
And Lord, as time goes by
I will be by your side
‘Cause I never want to go back to my old life
And so I want to encourage you… We can trust his plan. My prayer is that you will not be afraid, but will step out in faith to follow and obey Him – no matter the road, no matter the cost. Today, and every day, we can rejoice in Him, rejoice in how He brings His kingdom right here and now, rejoice in even the things we cannot yet see or understand.
