I have been in a long term, in fact life-long, relationship with structure and control. They seemed to satisfy and to be a good reliable partner. I was sold on their comfort, their promises, and the ‘solid’ predictable future they could provide. First Middle school, then high school, college, sports all the way through, all the correct rites of passage; prom, a few jobs, some vacations—it got pretty serious. In fact, we were on a one way track to a perfectly comfortable, easy, economically successful life…and then I became a Christian.
Jesus met me in my feeble and empty relationship with structure and control—and He promised more. Not in the sense of what they could provide, but what He could provide if I ended things with them and decided to walk moment to moment with Him. Was it a harder life, no doubt. Was it a bit unnerving, absolutely. Would most other people understand and support it, nope. But would it be an adventure, a chance to join the proverbial construction crew to build His kingdom, a lifelong romance with my Creator and Heavenly Dad, yes. But before I could let go of my safe choices, my safe places, my safe future, I sought a way in which I could follow Christ (or so I thought) but instead of trusting His grace as a safety net I carried my own comprised of predicability and structure beneath me.
I did this as a teenager by buying into the portion of Christian culture that is cliche and surface oriented—the one in which I used scripture and God to suit my needs instead of being of a sound Godly heart and allowing truth to be truth and following it. I professed such cliches such as, “God won’t give me more than I can handle” and other such lies because I needed to hear certain things to continue dating structure and control. Then I began to read real truth in scripture which is that we serve a HUGE God who uses the least of these to do the most. Mary was just a teenager when she was divinely with child, with the Savior of the world—I’m pretty sure that was too much for her to handle. Paul was a condemner of Christians and deeply feared by them—I’m pretty sure being literally blinded with truth and charged to be the frontrunner in evangelism was too much for him. I was sent to the Philippines this summer and was asked to unpreparedly preach to children who have little to nothing and do not speak english about the gospel, I was asked to transparently share my story, I was shown mass graves and overwhelming needs and asked to do the little things. He has big plans and He invites us into them even when they go completely over our head because His power is made sufficient in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).
It was only when Jesus shattered these comfortable cliches, fitted some distance in my relationship to structure and control, and drew out the potent and liberating truth in such things that I was able to see that while being in this relationship seemed good and smart—it would never fill me, it could never hold me. We are told to, “Be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves” (James 1:22). The blunt and total truth for me personally has been pointing to missions, to much much bigger things than I had planned for myself. So I have slowly been going on breaks with comfort, control, and structure. But it is with this decision to go on the World Race, something many didn’t expect (including me), something that is a fierce unpredictable adventure, that I am completely breaking up with them. They have been holding me back, they’re clingy, and there’s better stuff out there for me.
So this is where I am stepping off the edge trusting grace completely, and knowing that what I fall into in the future is far greater than my own plans, may be far wilder, and probably more difficult sometimes. But ALWAYS far better. Sorry, (comfort/control/structure) but it’s over.
