“Comparison is the thief joy”, I’ve let these words roll off of my tongue more times than I can count, but that doesn’t mean they have truly reached my heart. As we have been making Costa Rica our new home for this month—I have found myself comparing myself to others constantly. It’s almost as if the enemy had turned loving people and ministry into a competition in my heart. Speaking, “you have come with so little…”. When I think about it, it’s absurd.
How could ministry be a competition when we should have the same goal in mind? Kingdom prosperity. So I examined my motives, which fed into some pretty hard revelation about myself. That I am a perfectionist, that I need to earn His affection, and that my identity is more tightly bound to the how others perceive me than how Christ perceives His little girl (me). I have to keep reminding myself of this, because being a daughter is not something I know how to do very well.
It’s been like this heavy backpack that I have carried throughout the past few days, and each time I compare myself to someone else I put another brick of disappointment into it. I think it was a lot easier to ignore these parts of myself at home because its safe, consistent. But as I walked away from my home a little under a week ago, the mask of home was washed away.
Truthfully, I have been really frustrated with myself and these discoveries about myself, and honestly it breaks me to think that in my heart of hearts I need to earn the favor of the one who says, “come as you are”. I always thought that I was in true relationship with the Lord, not a business deal wherein I owe a certain production at the end of the day.
So I turned towards Him. I sat and I journaled and I asked for Him to sit with me in this brokenness and for Him to give me words, because I am tired. Tired of trying so hard. Tired of trying to be who I think He wants. I am tired of living in a constant state that is dependent on the approval of others, and therefore living a life that is ruled by every emotion that floats into my heart. I want Him to REIGN IN ME.
Here’s what He said and here’s what I wrote:
“I have no favorite. I have only FAVORITES (all mankind). I created you entirely different from them, and them from you. Like a sparrow and a horse—one to fly and one to gallop. So how can you possibly compare yourself to one who was made for a different unique purpose in glorifying me? You’re limiting my capacity in your heart to be a creative, innovative, and altogether brilliant artist. You’re a different daughter, not lesser, different. I don’t produce replicas—I produce art in order to create a more diverse and majestic canvas.”
The backpack is not empty of bricks, but I can feel it getting lighter as I retrain my heart to smile when I see other’s shine, instead of wondering if I should join, or questioning what I have to offer.
So from now on I count these things as truth, I am learning to be a daughter of The Daddy. Emotions are not facts. I have good things. All good things are from Him so how can I be jealous or envious if the same power manifests itself in another, just differently?
I know it’s early but…the World Race life is not an easy one, but it is full. Thank you Jesus.
