This is probably going to be a lot of word vomit—so please be ready with the trashcan. I just returned from the World Race. I thought some time in the wilderness, or the north woods in Wisconsin at my cottage would be helpful for processing what just happened, who I am, what it all means, whats next, etc. I was walking down the beach today hanging out with my dog Riley, and throwing a tennis ball to her, while simultaneously speaking out loud with God. I find it extraordinarily helpful even though to bystanders it appears that I am spilling my heart out and speaking about deep theological mysteries to my dog. And I was feeling some kind of way, a way that I came to describe as the Sunday afternoon blues.
You know that feeling when you’ve had an amazing weekend? Perhaps a three day weekend, a retreat, a vacation, just a wonderful joyous break from reality…and then suddenly on Sunday afternoon when you begin to reflect on what fun you’ve had, now you have to return to work, or drive home from vacation, or deal with whatever you’ve left behind? It’s kind of like a hangover, but without the drinking…your’e trying to savor what’s just happened and are so apprehensive about rejoining your life that you decide to not talk about it or you even stay up late because tomorrow is coming, and you don’t want it to. Well that’s how I feel.
Except tomorrow is not Sunday for me. Tomorrow is life—and I have no idea about it. But I can’t help but desire to never have the Sunday afternoon blues. Not just about what the next thing is, but just in general. I don’t want that feeling in life. Any of the following feelings, regret, dread, hollowness, lingering in the past because it is better than the future. I want to leave the race, and each day for that matter regardless of the name of the day on the calendar—with excitement about tomorrow…if for nothing else than for the joy of the Lord, the adventure that life is, and because there is so much opportunity in each day. Yeah I know that all sounds like a hallmark card, but I’m not taking about happiness here. Happiness is a fleeting emotion, bent by the wind and external circumstance. I am talking about joy and excitement and how we make that stay as a life thing.
I’m gonna keep it 100 with you all. I feel pretty lost. I don’t know how to be this new person I’ve developed into, in my old setting. Somehow I feel wildly different, but also fearful that I am the same. Where do I fit in? How can I not talk about the Race like it’s the glory days, but also share it with others so it may encourage them and continue to grow me? I don’t know, but I want the questions I dwell on to keep moving me forward. I don’t want to dread tomorrow because the past was better. I want to live my life like it is eternally Friday afternoon right after work—and there is so much wonder ahead. Do I know how to do this yet, nah. But at least I am onto this feeling, so that I can actively remind myself to live the Friday afternoon kind of life, right now.
