We put up the highlight reels of the World Race. Laughing kids, stories of victory, people coming to Christ, people being healed. But you don’t always see the times when we sit broken over the unfairness and evil in the world, the times when we walk by opportunities on the street because it is not labeled “Ministry” on our set-up sheets, the times when we make promises we don’t keep.
So here is me failing. Or so I thought.
The other night we were walking down Pub Street in Siem Reap, Cambodia. It’s a big tourist area filled with bars, restaurants, markets, bright lights, loud music, and people—lots of people. As my team of six trailed down the sidewalk weaving through the crowds to head home, I saw a man sitting on the sidewalk. His legs had a deformity that didn’t allow him to stand. He was holding a sign with a basket laying on the ground before him. I got my first sight of him about 20 feet away. Let me explain the thoughts that ran through my brain in that distance of 20 feet.
There’s no shortage on the World Race of seeing individuals asking for money and help—but really asking for love. So in the moment that God whispered super loudly, “go to him”. I was like, but why him? Out of all the people we walk past? Pretty apathetic right? Yeah, I know. Anyways, I then thought, “well what do you want me to do?” We as racers have been warned in training and in fact by ministry hosts all over the world to avoid giving people money because it contributes to the cycle of poverty and in many places in the world it actually aids in human trafficking and slavery, not to mention that it is very attached to shame. So after shuffling through all of these excuses, God asked me, “what is your biggest weapon?” I’m like oh, “Intercession. Prayer. I need to go pray for this man.” I was last in the duckling line of my teammates weaving through the sidewalk. Time was short as I got about 5 feet in front of this man who wasn’t even looking up. I opened my mouth to yell over the loud noise for my teammates to stop and pray for this man.
And just as quickly as I opened it, I closed it. I walked past the man. A child of my Dad. Who in that moment, he was trying to get me to pray for. Shame. Like when you’re a kid and know you’ve done something wrong and you can’t even look your mom or dad in the eyes. My stomach felt heavy, I was even embarrassed before God.
Excuses to cover my shame flooded in…He would probably have no idea what I’m saying. He might not even say yes when I ask to pray for him. There are so many people here, will he even hear? Well if I just pray now as I’m walking, God will hear it the same. I did ministry all day—this is free time…not what you would expect from someone who left the U.S. to love the people of the world for 11 months, huh?
My fear of failure has escalated as I have walk into more knowledge of Gods directions for me—because in doing things that he asks of me I face the potential of failing him and others around me. Not just myself. But this is operating under the assumption that I control the results. Here’s the great flaw, in my own and I think a lot of others thinking. I only control my actions and my efforts—he decides what to do from there. I do earthly things he does eternal things. At first, I think it’s very difficult not knowing what will come of or how God plans to use situations—but then it actually relieves a lot of performance pressure.
Without the possibility of failure, you kill the passion and faithfulness of risk.
In the eyes of the Jews and even the Roman soldiers, Jesus’ crucifixion, his death hanging on the cross—was his failure. His failure to live up to what they thought a savior should be, failure to elude capture, failure even to remove himself from the cross as scoffers taunted him.
This ‘failure’ was actually and remains the greatest victory in human history. God has a 100% scope, a Birdseye view of events—we can’t even begin to understand the depths of his plans. So a failure to us, may be a marvelous victory in his wildly broader perspective.
As we walked to find a Tuk Tuk to go home, I was thinking, this is what I came on the race to do, and I am too much of a coward to do it. I know it is a small moment and should maybe not have effected me so much, but this is a much larger manifestation of an issue I have seen grow in me…fear of failure. It saddens me to say this is not the first person I have felt called to go to, and have walked past. Then God intervened on the enemy’s lies and laid to rest shame, and replaced it with conviction. I decided that in any opportunity he puts before me, I want to say “yes”.
Well that was about a week ago, and already I have ‘failed’ twice in the sight of the world, but I said yes to God and there’s where the victory is.
On Wednesday mornings at the school we are working at. the host has asked us to give a really brief message. I have been reading 1 Samuel, and that morning God told me, go talk about Hannah and how she prayed when she was sad and how you can pray in times of joy but also times of sadness. Keep in mind we are teaching Kindergarten and first grade to children who speak mixtures of Korean, Khmer, and English—English being the least proficient. Well I was not very prepared, but said, “Okay God”. So I got up there and flopped hardcore. I spoke too fast for the kids, didn’t use words that worked for them, I didn’t ask questions to check for understanding, and pretty much all of the teachers were looking at me like oh dear—in fact when I was done one of the kids said, “I want to hear story”. I was like, well crap, I thought I just told one. But I still moved when he said move.
A few days ago I failed again. I was biking home from school after a long day, and as I was peddling and about to turn into our apartment I saw this woman was sitting in the dust on the side of the road right in front of our apartment. She was sitting in a pile of trash, slowly combing through it for food. It was as if God put a light over her because I couldn’t turn away. Again, “go to her.” I rode into our apartment building and parked my bike, and headed back out towards the road to her. Right before I left the gates of our apartment I immediately thought of the verse from James that really inspired me to go on the race to begin with, “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the father means feeding and caring for orphans and widows in their distress” –James 1:27 So I ran up to our apartment, grabbed two apples that I had bought for my lunches, and ran back down to the street. She was still sitting there. My heartbeat got fast, and I walked slowly because I didn’t want to scare her. As I got to about 5 feet away I cleared my voice and said, “hello”. She looked at me, and tilted her head to the side. She didn’t say anything. I kneeled down in the dirt, and held out the apples. She took them, and I asked if I could pray for her making the hand motion of prayer. She looked down and then away. She did not look at me again. Surprisingly, I felt the spirit leading me away from her. So I walked away. But I stopped at the gate, and looked back and she took a bite of an apple. In the eyes of the world, I had maybe offended her, I failed to pray for her or talk to her, I backed away before I saw results. But again, he said go I said yes, and I had peace in my heart.
Bringing kingdom is going to come with some worldly failures, but a failure after a probing from God and a “yes” will humble the doer, love the needer, and exalt the father.
