Below is my account of an event during training camp… in all its unedited glory.
The pastor asked us to receive the Holy Spirit into our hearts today. I was afraid I wouldn't know if he did.
I asked.
And I hungered for the Lord.
I want to know Him.
I want to know His heart. His love.
I want the Spirit to fill me.
So I prayed.
I prayed hard.
I opened my heart, showing my starving heart for the Lord. I begged the Holy Spirit to come. To come fill me anew. Even though I felt unworthy, I felt assured of God's love for me.
While the pastor was still talking, I started praying and felt the Lord press down on my tongue and surround my throat. I felt His presence there and urged Him to fill me and let beautiful words of God flow through my mouth to others.
Then, I prayed more.
And tears started pouring silently at first. Then the sobs came and I wept. I asked the Holy Spirit to work in my heart. To be there. To fill me more. And I wept.
Eventually, someone came and laid their arms around me, praying for me as I wept. I don't know what was said because I was focused on my own prayers to the Lord and Holy Spirit. But, in between these cries I started to laugh. I am positive it was a strange noise. I wept more.
I thanked the Holy Spirit for coming to me. I asked Him to be ever present in my heart, but as my crying stilled I started to doubt. I doubted whether the Holy Spirit was at work or my own insecurities in my faith that I had been praying for ever since I arrived at training camp. Then I wondered "can I do something so powerful on my own?" The answer was obvious: no. It was so ridiculous that I started laughing. And I laughed joyously and uncontrollably. I laughed with joy at having the Holy Spirit fill me. I laughed, rejoicing in the Lord's love for me and His children. I laughed joyously because I was falling in love with God. I was so thankful for his never-ending love and grace.
And when I was through laughing, I started to wonder what was happening. And I stilled. And sat. And prayed harder.
Another hand was laid upon my back. The voice said "Holy Spirit fill her more, let her heart overflow. Fill her more. Fill her more."
And i started weeping harder, asking the Spirit to enter my heart, to continue to fill me.
And as I wept, the voice laughed and said "more Lord, more."
The Spirit filled me.
I was joyous and thankful.
I wept so hard I didn't notice the snot dripping from my nose.
I didn't care.
The Lord was working; The Spirit was filling me.
As I stilled once more, I dropped to my knees and I prayed. I thanked God, I rejoiced, I hungered, and I asked for more.
I saw light.
I saw Jesus with open arms pronouncing love for me, His child. He called His child beautiful.
I saw an image of water and light, calling me to be baptized. He said a new day would dawn the day I am baptized. The Lord also assured me of His love and commitment to me: that Heaven awaits for His Children.
And I felt loved.
And I felt thankful.
And I felt pure joy in the Lord.
And I felt the Holy Spirit stir and fill my heart.
I wrote this that night. It renewed my faith. It confirmed my doubting Spirit and crushed it with such an intensity I could barely breathe. I needed to surrender the independence I imagined I had. Doing so allowed me listen and act. He calls each of us to Him. If only we could open our hearts wide in admiration and awe to the plans He has for us, instead of constantly doubting. Honestly, we'd all be much happier people.
