As the time of my departure in August, one month to be exact, draws nearer and nearer, I have found myself in a constant state of panic. Whether it is an overwhelming sensation of emotions or the fear of leaving my comfort zone, my anxieties seem to be increasing. Sometimes, I feel like I am drowning in emotions and fears that I feel that I cannot openly express for the sake of others. I am constantly petrified by fear, I have never been more terrified in my life. Needless to say, following God’s call is extremely hard. The adventure I am embarking on did not actually hit me until I got back from training camp. I keep thinking to myself “this is really happening.” Simply thinking about all the goodbyes that are right around the corner is enough to send me into a state of emotional panic. I am literally fighting back tears all the time, random things will make me almost break down. I have never experienced anything like this before. Throughout this whole process, I have had to be constantly reminded that God has me right where he wants me and he has me wrapped in his tight, loving embrace. If he were not with me, I would have never made it through the rigorousness of training camp. Wholeheartedly giving Him all my trust is difficult for me. I have always been cautious when it comes to who I trust and I never thought trusting the Lord would be this hard. In the Disney movie Aladdin, (one of my all time favorites), Aladdin reaches out his hand towards Jasmine and says, “Do you trust me?” Jasmine then reaches out, grabs his hand and says, “Yes.” She then jumps aboard a flying carpet and Aladdin shows her the world, seeing sights she has never seen before.
This describes EXACTLY how I feel. The Lord is outstretching his hand, waiting for me to grab ahold and simply trust him. I truly believe that this was confirmed the other day when my lovely team mate Emily Browning sent me a vision she received while spending time and praying with the Lord. I am going to accept vulnerability and share what she had to say.
“As I was praying for you the other day, I felt like God was saying that you are strong. He gave me the verse Psalms 17:7 ‘Your love is wonderful. By your power you save those who trust you from their enemies.’ You are fiercely loyal. Then, I saw you walking down a wedding aisle in a field outside. There were sunflowers on either side of you. You carried a bouquet and you walked towards a man with a mask on and he’s on fire but it doesn’t seem to phase him. God has put his power in you to save anyone who trusts you. The man takes off his mask but you still can’t see him. Everyone watched you with wide eyes. They almost look scared for you. You give the man the flowers though you still can’t see him. He turns and his face is completely deformed and swollen so much that he can’t even open his eyes. Tears begin to flood his face and he begins to loudly weep. He screams, “I trust you!” And the fire is put out. You begin to cry and whisper, I trust you too.”
At first I was so shocked by these words that I was brought to tears. This touched my soul in some sort of way. So much about it describes and defines who I am. Once I took a few days to process and discuss with others what this could possibly mean, I have come to a possible conclusion. I believe the burning man represents the Holy Spirt and the wedding scene describes the marriage between the Holy Spirit and I. It represents me giving my life and trust to the Holy Spirit in order to go forth and do things that may scare others. I am a very observant person, therefore I can read the facial expressions of those I tell what I am doing. Trust me, I am just as afraid but I am willing to wholeheartedly put my trust in the hands of the Holy Spirit and allow Him to lead me. One of my favorite song lyrics is from Oceans by Hillsong United, “Spirit lead me where my trust is without border,let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior.”
I know and believe that He will be with me every step along the way. I simply need to have faith and trust that he will walk hand in hand with me throughout my whole journey. (A little pixie dust helps too!)
