“I am a missionary. Wow, for so long I did not want to say that. Strange, right? I mean, today marks ones month until I drive to Atlanta to officially start the Race and to be a missionary for the next year. While that excites me, it also makes me anxious.
To me, to be labeled a missionary, I thought one should spread the Gospel, serve ministries, or help the poor around them; often times, I thought, a missionary has more Biblical knowledge than those around them, which helps them teach, and has given up the luxuries of life here in America to fill his or her time with the work God has called them to. The title “missionary,” understandably, carries a lot of weight- people have supported me through huge financial commitments, prayers, and support as I prepared to fill the role of missionary.
However, in many of the World Race blogs I read, racers often wrote something along the lines of “there are days when I don’t feel like a missionary.” This quote scared me every time I read it, like a pit forming in my stomach, and as September approached, the nerves only increased.
I was fearful that I might not live up to the “missionary expectations” I had set for myself and that I might disappoint people who had supported me. How would I feel when doing something fun, like riding an elephant on an off day in Thailand or when my ministry only lasted for a couple hours and then I was free the rest of the day? What would happen when my host did not have anything else missions-related for me to do or when the people around me taught me more about Jesus than I taught them, and I no longer felt like a missionary either?
I realized that the issue of fearing “not feeling like a missionary” stemmed from placing my identity and purpose in being a missionary. And if I couldn’t live up to the expectations associated with that title, where would my identity and worth be found?
Not in a title, that’s for sure.
I realized that my identity rests in who I am and not what I do.
So who I am? I am a daughter of the Almighty God, gracefully saved and redeemed and adopted into this beautiful and joyful family. I am His servant and His beloved. I am loved and secure by the blood of Christ. I am also part of the body of Christ and who I am does not change. Isn’t that the greatest??
Who I am applies to whatever I’m doing. There is no “turning off” or clocking out with the role of daughter of God (and praise the Lord for it!). It’s a 24 hour, 7 days a week, for the rest of eternity identity I get to carry.
And that is where my worth is found- not in my doing or my evangelizing or in my whatever. My worth is found in who I am.”
Cambodia has been a month of rediscovering this truth I wrote nearly 3 months ago. Because you know what? I don’t feel like a missionary. I don’t always do this thing- this trip, this missionary deal, this life- well. I mess up and I struggle and I fall sometimes. But that’s not who I am.
I am a big sister; I am an English teacher and life-enjoyer. I am a friend and an ear to listen to “head shoulders knees and toes” for the thousandth time and I am a teammate. I am a studier of Scripture and an afternoon-naptime enjoyer. I am a sister in Christ, a flower picker, a lice-finder, and a handshake partner. I’m an impromptu-Bible-skit actress some days and a devotion-giver others. I am broken over poverty and a dancer around musical chairs. I am a daughter of God.
Living at the orphanage, the Lord has reminded me it is not about what I do but about who I am and how I love that matters to Him. He never says all people will know I am His by the way I evangelize or the way I serve or the way I x, y, and z. He says they will know who I am by the way I love. That will come in evangelism and service and typical “missionary stuff”…but it will also come in painted fingernails, bike rides, rest, swimming in waterfalls and doing laundry. It will come in a smile, in interactions with the people I’m “here for” and the ones I’m “here with” and in sitting watching the kids play games or walking around the village with them.
You see, that’s the freedom in love. Love has no limits, no partiality, no requirements, no cookie cutter mold to fit. Love beckons you come and do whatever is in your heart for those whom you love- it allows for creativity and whimsy and joy. So I’m in this season where I cannot always tell people about Jesus, feel “helpful” in a practical sense, or see the fruit.
I cannot always “do” a lot, but I can love. And I think that’s the most important thing I’ll ever do.
“By this all people will know you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” ~John 13:35.
Much love,
Kat
