Team changes took place a few weeks ago, and almost a month ago, Team Zealous Love had its last day of ministry on the Race. It’s taken me a while to write this post, because I definitely needed some time to reflect on what the Lord had for me to give and to receive in the season of being on a team with Lauren, Carley, Gina, Eric, Logan, and Brittany.
Up to this point in my faith journey, for the most part I was able to choose the community of believers I fellowshipped with. Over the past four years, I had been in California attending a church and university in which the majority of the population was Asian American. That meant the community I surrounded myself with naturally shared similar experiences regarding family, culture, values, upbringing, struggles, and insecurities. Obviously there were still differences between each person, but shared histories removed many obstacles and misunderstandings that could have taken place in our pursuit of God and Kingdom together. In a sense, this was good because it allowed the community to grow quickly in efficient and fruitful ministry without having too many disputes regarding the way each person saw things from their vastly different experiences. However, this kind of “natural” chosen community also made it more difficult for me to grow deeply.
When I came on the Race and was thrust into this “unnatural” grouping of people from all different places, ages, and experiences, there were obstacles that I had never had to overcome before. Like Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” There were moments on this team where feelings that I hadn’t experienced in more than ten years resurfaced. I hadn’t felt that lonely, misunderstood, and unloved in such a long time that I was left confused about whether Jesus had changed my life at all, and whether He was with me now. Then I bought into the lie that it was impossible for this team to love me because I had so little in common with any of them, and offended them so easily with my acerbic tone, careless speech, external processing, high maintenance tendencies, complaining heart, and ungrateful attitude. I began to put on my faults and wear them all the time, believing that this was who I was, and who I was in those moments, was incredibly sinful and obviously unloveable.
Before I left home, I thought that the most difficult part of the Race for me would be choosing to love others. My prayers were always along the lines of, “God, help me love people.” Instead, the most difficult part has actually been choosing to believe that others love me, and that their love comes from the God who loves me despite my failings, imperfections, and ugliness. I realize now how prideful I was in thinking that difficulties would only come from me choosing to give grace to people for their shortcomings, and not from all the shortcomings I would exhibit and the grace that I would then have to accept from others. I was deceived into thinking that being loved was even a sign of weakness, that the strong were able to love, and the weak were only able to be loved. Now I know that it takes so much more strength for me to allow someone to cover my iniquities, my nakedness, and my shame with their love, when I’d rather appear impenetrable by covering others. Choosing to give grace to people was challenging, but choosing to have the grace of others cover myself when I fell was even harder especially because I wanted to be perfect, deserving, and worthy. Yet I would have robbed love of its essence with my desire to be deserving of it, since love is most profoundly beautiful, powerful, and eloquent when it is poured out upon the undeserving.
Jesus says in Luke 7:47 that a sinful woman loved much because she was forgiven much, and that he who has been forgiven little loves little. We give out of what we receive in love. To become better at loving people, I need to still grow in the truth that I don’t have to be perfect in order for God and His people to love me. Each person on Team Zealous Love has taught me this by speaking their love and affirmation over me in prayer and fellowship, on good days and bad days, in victory and defeat, in hurt and healing. For a while, I heard over and over again, “We love you, Katherine” and I never believed it. After all, how could they really love me when we had nothing in common, and I was like THIS – a hideous, giant work in progress who kept on hurting people and didn’t deserve anything. But I have to choose daily to believe it just like I choose daily to believe in the Gospel that God loves me and sent His Son for me so He could be with me. I have to remember that though I fail, love never fails, and that this nature of love is what makes it so zealous, so passionate, so furious, and so consuming.
Lauren, Carley, Gina, Eric, Logan, and Brittany love me. God enabled them to do so, just like He enabled me to receive it and pour it out. The Lord answered my prayer to love people by putting me in a team where I would fail, be forgiven, and be loved. Through each of them, I remember that the ability to love deeply comes from being deeply loved. Then I tell myself that becoming more like Jesus means I must love God and love people, but that I need the love from God and His people to become more like Jesus. I always expected arrows of love to be coming out of Team Zealous Love and into the nations, but I never expected them to be aimed inwardly at me and my impenetrable armor. Thankfully, the armor has shattered.
“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16
