The past few days, I’ve been pushed into circumstances where I have felt hopeless and weary. I’ve felt a thousand years too immature and a thousand lifetimes too unprepared for life on the Race. I’ve traveled more hours than I thought I could bear, lived with more cockroaches than I thought I could endure, wallowed in more sweat than I thought I could produce, and been with more people than I thought I could love. I have grieved. My inadequacy to love those on my team the way they deserve to be loved as sons and daughter of God, has led me to believe at times that I have no right to proclaim the name of Jesus over my life because of how I’ve failed. My immature actions and words have forced me to question the amount of faith I have in the Lord, and my soul has lamented being too small and too much at the same time. But thanks be unto God, I have been given love a thousand times over – love that I desperately need to receive as a part of the Church in order to give to the Church.
So in my failure to receive and give love, this is for all the brothers and sisters I’ve murdered in my mind – limbs I’ve cut off of the Body – who have graves I hope to visit again. But this time, instead of bringing death and destruction, I desire to bring life and resurrection by the grace of God. Here’s to His Bride, the Church – once broken and scattered, but dearly knit together again by the blood of the Lamb:
“Because you see…we never happened.
We never met. We never talked. We never worked alongside one another, and we never knew one another.
There was no foundation – just an ideal community built in the emptiness of words and a future of fairy dust. Intoxicating, then addicting, and finally – apocalyptic.
Because you see…I am incapable. Incapable of holding conversation with gentleness. Incapable of holding eyes with compassion, hands with confidence, and souls with care.
My soul is too small. Too small for grandness, too filthy for holiness, too ugly for admiration, and too shameful for mention.
Perfect love casts out all fear, but perfect fear casts out all love.
And my soul is not only too small, but also too much. Too much for time, for tenderness, and for love. Too much to contain. And too much for anyone to want it ALL.
And I can’t breathe sometimes because I’m so scared. I don’t have enough faith that people can love me past myself, and that I can love others past themselves. So I wear holiness as an armor of defense as I hide.
How can I tear down the lies that my mind build second by second, and day by day without solace?
And maybe it isn’t just me. Maybe we’re all too small, too filthy, too ugly, and too shameful. We’re all too much – for time, tenderness, and love. Too much to embrace. And too much for one another to want it ALL.
We’re all incapable – of holding one other – of many parts becoming one.
We’re scared of glory, and of what could happen if we actually happened.
Because what should happen when followers of Jesus come together is the Body of Christ present here – the King of heaven walking on earth, ushering the Kingdom of heaven on earth. And to believe it, would require faith that we don’t have.
Maybe what needs to happen now in the heart of the Church, is an encounter with love on the cross – a love founded in blood, sacrifice, suffering, and bearing the image of the crucified Savior – one that appears at first too small, too filthy, too ugly, too shameful, and too incapable.
But this love on the cross also bears a hope for the image of the resurrected Savior – and He is capable for He is risen. He can hold us in comfort, because His arms are no longer nailed to that cross, but ready to embrace with scars. Because in Him are all things, and in Him all things hold together. So we can be capable. I can be capable. We who are many and different can be of one Body, one mind, and one spirit because He demonstrates His love for us as Three in One, working in accord to draw the incomplete us into intimacy with He who is complete.
So Jesus, help me. Help this one child step out of her insecurities and into your love for the Bride. And for this beloved Church, move her heart. Mediate for her. Renew her mind. Give her strength in love that casts out all fear. Fill her with hope of your salvation and faith in your redemption. Make her soul grand, holy, beautiful, and worthy, and complete – not too much or too little. Perfect for time, tenderness, and love. Enough to contain and to give ALL.
Because you see…maybe the impossible can happen. As many who are one Body, we can meet, we can talk, we can work alongside one another, and we will know one another in our shared humanity.
Because he has loved us, so we love.”
How have you been receiving and giving the overflow of love given to us by the Father? If you are hopeless and weary within the Church, look up before you look around, and know He is with you. He is with me in the long hours of travel, the groups of cockroaches, the pools of sweat, and the community around me.
