Are you ready for a laugh?
I thought Fundraising was going to be easy.
But it isn't and when all my plans fell through I was freaking out. I was stressed about money.
What had worked out in my head so well, what I had invested in and depended on and felt so much confidence and excitement over never became a reality.
And I was mad.
I was mad because people weren't doing what they were supposed to do.
People weren't working with me like I wanted.
I was mad at myself for putting all my hopes into this one vision.
But mostly I was mad at myself because I realized how much I wasn't trusting God.
Please do not think I am miscounting all the people who have helped support me this far. I truly appreciate each person so very much. I have always had a huge community of supporters, and I am so blessed that I still do. God has given me so many people that have brought me so much encouragement and strength. But I want to highlight ways that my heart has not been in the right place. I had been focusing on my plans for money and relying too much on others without thanks or gratitude. I just thought, oh, they believe in me, they will give me money. But I didn't think twice about all the hearts aching for me and the sweet, tender intentions behind the giving. I was in the wrong.
And God shook his head and said, silly girl, it's NOT about the money.
I will provide.
I will give you the right people at the right time to give you exactly what you need.
Sometimes that provision will be in the form of money (I know that is an essential part of what you need to fulfill this calling I have brought to your heart. I do know that, really. But essential does not always mean cardinal. In fact, I have other ways that you need to let others love on you.)
Money is not the only form of provision.
You will be focused on money but I will be focused on your heart.
You will want dollars and I will give you arguments.
I will give you arguments because I know your heart needs to be tested. You will be forced to defend My Will and Purpose, and as a result you will take them on with confidence as your own passions.
You will want dollars and I will give you words of encouragement instead.
I will give you words because I know that those are what resound in your head and give you strength, so I will whisper them to you through others.
You will want dollars and I will give you disappointment from the people you "expect" dollars from.
I will give you disappointment so you can realize that they have a much greater purpose in your life and much greater value than just this symbol: $
You will want dollars and sometimes I will give you guilt for asking.
They will not provide for you, and you will be forced to check your own intentions so that you may realize a need in someone else's life that is greater than your own, a need you were oblivious to or ignoring.
You will want dollars and sometimes I will give you dollars.
But not without the knowledge that someone was struggling financially and was still generous with you, or they could have easily swept you aside being busy with life, but they gave you the time of day to be intentional and were generous anyway.
FOR I WILL GIVE YOU NOT AS THE WORLD GIVES YOU.
You will ask for dollars and you will receive silence.
And this silence will cause you frustration, loss of confidence, and doubt.
And it is then, you will come to me.
It is then you will learn to TRUST me.
It is then you will realize that I have a greater plan than the one you had so carefully mapped out in your head. Because your plan was full of flaws.
And mine is not.
And it is then that you will rely on MY goodness, and mercy, and generosity, within MY greater seasons of plenty for you.
AND I WILL GIVE YOU PEACE. AND YOUR ANXIETY AND STRESS AND WORRY WILL VANISH.
Because you will know and finally believe that just as I clothe the lilies of the field and care for the birds of the field, even moreso I will care and provide for you.
And then, after you have gone without,
when you finally receive,
YOU WILL BE INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL.
And that is where I am now.
I am so grateful and thankful to you.
I need to apologize for any ingratitude, (or really ANY attitude other than gratefulness) that you have received from me. Please know that I am ever so thankful for every dollar that has been given, and will be given. Really every single dollar. If you are reading this and feel guilty because you wanted to give more, please do not feel guilty and know that every dollar truly does help. And that I am so thankful not for the amount you have given, but for your heart of generosity and kindness, of support and encouragement. Because you have said without words that you believe in me, believe in the greater work God is doing in and through me, and that you believe in bringing His Kingdom to earth.
If you are unable to financially give please do NOT feel guilty at all. Because I have also received so much from you. Your encouragement has such a positive impact on me. I take each word spoken or written to me and treasure each one, bundling them up for safe keeping. Your prayers are what will get me through this time of preparation, what will get me through the disease and mosquito infested places, what will get me through the darkness and despair that tries to pervade my heart and discourage me. Your prayer and encouragement is what uplifts me, protects me, and gives me comfort. Your emotional and spiritual generosity is a way of caring and giving that transcends the physical, and of you I am also so appreciative.
The truth is every encounter and every struggle for the positive or the "negative" has helped teach me and prepare me in a way that is invaluable. I know that I am blessed with an incredible community and I hope that I am able to express how truly thankful I am. I cannot stop repeating that word, because I want to over-emphasize my appreciation and gratitude.
I AM BLESSED BY YOU.
And you, in your own way, have helped me learn to more fully trust the Lord and open my eyes to his blessings and provision. So THANK YOU. I encourage you to look for ways in your own life that you are insisting on your own path, overlooking the ways God is providing for you, or ignoring the people he has purposefully placed in your life to bless you. Surrender to Him. Give thanks. And Bless and love on those who have also done the same for you.
And don't forget when things are not going your way and you just want to kick and scream and throw a tantrum or weep in disappointment, God has a greater plan. And you still have a community, along with a loving Father, who is cheering you on in love- even if you are blind to them.
