One of the questions I’ve been scared of answering, simply because it’s so big, is this:
What is the biggest change in your life that has happened during the world race?
Big. Scary. Question.
How do I answer that in totality and honesty? How do I acurately describe the significance of the impact the race has had on me? How do I portray the glory and goodness I’ve tasted and seen all year long?
I am aware that my heart has changed, because when I look at what I value now in contrast to what I valued last September, it’s hugely different.
So maybe I’ll just start there.
Here’s what I valued before the race:
* Doing everything right. School. Friendships. Relationships. Christianity. Conviction. Devos. Health. I had no idea it was actually OKAY to fail. I was blind to the fact that messing up did not actually mean I was going to hell or that God would never talk to me again.
* Speaking of God talking to me, I valued God’s word, but didn’t actually allow the space for him to speak to my heart, exactly where I was at. I didn’t realize he had really personal, really specific words for my head and heart.
* My family. I valued them more than almost anything, but wronged them by fearing their opinions of me over the Lord’s. It’s always wrong to put someone in the position of ‘god’ above you. It puts way too much weight, burden, and responsibility on their shoulders to give you life and affirmation and love like you should ONLY experience from the Father.
* Creation. Nature. The Rocky Mountains. But I failed to enjoy God in them. I failed to see that he made the really green plants and the really beautiful flowers just for me. That he made the time of day right before golden hour, when the sun is dazzling white gold, just to make me stop and smile. I didn’t understand that I was getting glimpses of God’s glory, and I failed to thank him for it.
* Adventure. I wanted adrenaline. I wanted excitement. I wanted fun. I didn’t realize that the more I expected to find it in other people, the more exhausted, tired, and dull I would feel, because I was depriving myself of the LIFE-giver, the enjoyment-maker, the fun-breather.
Here’s what I value now:
* Joy. I value joy that actually overcomes hard circumstances. I can’t explain it or put it into words at all. All I know is that the joy I have and the assurance I have hope in is permanent. It’s good for eternity.
* Friendship. Friendship with the Lord. Friendship that is good and pure and lovely. Friendship that is unclouded by selfish desires or hidden agendas (although humans aren’t 100% capable of this, when ya love Jesus, it really makes a world of difference and gets ya a whole lot closer).
* Family. I love the fact that family is permanent. That my sisters will ALWAYS be my sisters and my brothers will ALWAYS be my brothers. My mom will always be my mom and my dad will always be my dad. I’ve learned big things about the Lord through this. My blood relatives are permanent, and because I’ve been washed by the blood of Jesus I permanently belong in his family. Unchangeable. Irrevocable. How sweet and assuring.
* Challenge. I actually ENJOY discipline. I actually LOVE difficult things, because I’ve learned without a shadow of a doubt that I come out NEW on the other side.
* Newness. A blank piece of paper. An untouched cup of coffee. A new friend you get to start at the very beginning with and get to know entirely. Newness excites me. I think that’s why the gospel is so attractive: because of the promise that WE are made new and pure because of it.
* Color. I LOVE brilliance. I love the feeling of awe. I love the state of wonder. I love looking at a shade of red that’s perfect, a sky filled with clouds a kind of orange I’ve never seen before, an ocean storm with, not one, but two rainbows crystal clear in the middle. Color actually brings me life, gives me a breath of fresh air, makes my mind really happy.
Here’s what I know now about myself that I didn’t know before.
I AM COMPLETELY DISSATISFIED WITH A BORING LIFE.
And I think everyone that follows Jesus should be.
Not one day should go by when we are not stopped dead in our tracks by how amazing and wonderful God is.
I do NOT say that to guilt you in any way.
I say that purely to INVITE you to EXALT the Lord’s GOODNESS WITH me.
I serve and love and madly adore a God that has promised to breathe life into my lungs every single second of every single day.
Literally with every breath he is faithful to fill my lungs with oxygen and tell my heart to beat one more time.
He fills my life with adventure and adrenaline like nothing else.
Just look at characters in the Bible. They chased him up mountains, across seas (oceans even), they stood in front of world rulers, they rode chariots into THE ACTUAL SKY, they saw the dead raised, they were brought to heaven and back… for real.
I am thoroughly convinced following Jesus is the greatest adventure I could ever take on.
What do I value now that I didn’t before the race?
I value Jesus with every single bone in my body. I am actually so far into love with Jesus that there is absolutely no turning back. I am fully decided. My one desire is his name and his glory and his face.
Psalm 27:4
One thing I have asked for;
One thing I will seek:
To dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.
To gaze upon his beauty
And inquire in his temple forever.
That’s my life. That’s what I want. That’s it.
-k
