February sucked. I’m not going to sugarcoat it at all. I was challenged in so many ways. I lost my great grandmother, she was a big part of my family and she was a huge part in my dad’s upbringing. Losing her was very hard on all of us, but it gave my family some peace knowing she was out of her pain and misery, and with Jesus in heaven. GG was a firecracker, let me tell ya. She was almost 98, and lived through a stroke, the death of her husband, and the death of her son. She lived a very long, wonderful life and was loved by so many. While we were in New Mexico for GG’s funeral, my grandmother passed away. This destroyed me beyond belief. I was overcome with so many emotions: sadness, anger, confusion, and guilt. I felt so guilty. Guilty because I didn’t get to see her again. I didn’t get to hug her or tell her I love her. I felt so overwhelmed and so attacked. I didn’t know how to handle myself. I wanted so badly just to be with her again, and I hated the fact that I knew that would never happen again. In the midst of all of this, I kept telling myself I needed to be strong, I needed to be there for my sisters, my dad, and my uncle. There were so many people around me who were grieving that I thought I couldn’t grieve myself. That was a big mistake.
I filled my schedule with so many other things so I could occupy my life so I wasn’t overcome with sadness. I filled my life with so much homework, work, reading, and being with my friends and family that I forgot to let myself grieve. It was extremely unhealthy. Since I was overworking myself, I didn’t eat, sleep, or exercise. I was a mess. And guys, I love New Mexico. That place is my home, but going back and forth for two funerals is not the reason I want to be making that 10 hour drive.
We drive to New Mexico often, mostly for school breaks and holidays. Normally it’s full of fun, and is a sunny and pretty place: but not the drive February 28th.
February 28th, we drove down for our second funeral in 14 days. That’s a lot of grieving in two weeks. I did a lot of thinking on the way down. Here’s what was running through my head; ok Katelyn, you need to be there for your family this weekend. everyone is sad and struggling and I know you’re tired and sick but that doesn’t matter right now. no crying. no crying. you have to be there. no weakness. no crying. you can’t go on tour. you can’t miss your family right now. no weakness.
Grandma Sandi’s service was on March 2nd, and I did not cry. I was the shoulder people needed to cry on. I spent her entire service dwelling on myself and focusing on other people that I didn’t celebrate her life the way she deserved to be celebrated. I still regret that. I don’t think I will ever be able to get over that. Grandma Sandi was a wonderful lady, she had the best house filled with so many fun trinkets and SO MANY TURTLES. She was awesome and deserved to be celebrated, and I didn’t do that, I couldn’t do that for her.
March 3rd was the day we were supposed to leave for tour. I didn’t want to go, I was so wrapped up in myself to do anything. For those of y’all who don’t know what tour is, it is a time in our school year when the bells, choir, and the ensemble take a week and we go and serve the communities of different Native American reservations. We perform for them and we hang out and eat and play with them. It is the highlight of my school year, I think it’s the highlight of everyone’s school year. It’s a time to really get to one another and to learn and grow together. God uses us in so many ways and it is seriously so awesome. I can’t believe I almost missed it. God really revealed himself in so many ways. He really helped me grieve over my grandma and I could not be more thankful. He helped me realize that it is okay to be sad and it is okay to need to be loved on and then not feel guilty about it.
He showed me my grandma in so many ways. He showed me her in the kids we sang to, in the songs we sang, in the sunrises and sunsets, in the deserts and mountains, it was one of the coolest experiences ever. God really showed me just how powerful He is. He showed me that he’s got me in his hands and everything is in his will. For a moment, I was still. I was able to sit and really relish in his goodness and mercy. He has been giving me so much peace and wisdom through scripture, and I have learned so much.
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” (Psalm 23: 1-3) The Lord seeks to restore my soul when I am still. He whispers words of affirmation to me when I am still. He brings me peace and comfort when I am still. He reminds me of who I am when I am still.
The reason I am so negative and allow myself to continually beat myself up is that I am not seeking His truth wholeheartedly. The devil has built up walls in my mind that block me from God’s beautiful truth-that I am cherished and declared worthy because of His son’s death on a cross.
All my love always
Katie <3
