Growing up I wrapped my whole identity into a number of different things. I put it into the sport I was playing, soccer, into my dating relationships, and into my grades at school. I was the smart, soccer player who dated ________. This is who I knew myself to be and no one was going to change my mind. Well or so I thought at the time.
Im going to start In high school. I would say back then I didn’t care too much for the whole Christianity and God thing. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in God it’s just I didn’t have that close meaningful relationship with him that I have now. My whole life I’ve been running. Running for fun, running for sports, and running from God. For years I was wearing myself down one day at a time until it all came to a halt.
I ended up going to a Christian college called Trevecca Nazarene University. One of the main reasons was because I got to play soccer when I went there. I finally reached that dream I had been working so hard on. But going to this Christian college rocked my world. Freshmen year hits and my team is praying and doing bible studies together and I have to take these bible classes. IT WAS AWFUL and so weird to me because I had never been around so many people who openly talked about God 24/7. However, instead of soaking it in and building my relationship with God I no longer was going to church because my chose was to sleep in instead. So I was still running from My call. I was slowing down a bit but boy I was still running.
Then it happened my sophomore year of college came and what I thought I had been running from I completely ran into. I lost my identity. My identity of being a good soccer player came to an end. My whole life and even still today people know I played and still play soccer. But that one thing that was constant of who I was got taken away from me. I was no longer playing the game of soccer and I no longer knew who I was. I was so angry and frustrated and just upset because I was no longer that star athlete that I was even the year before.
There was then this one practice I was at and it was just plain awful I was being yelled at and nothing seemed to be going right. When I left practice and got away from everyone I lost it. I was sitting on the baseball field which sounds very weird but if you live on a college campus with a bunch of people around there aren’t many places you can be by yourself completely so I found the baseball field. So I was sitting on there and it was completely dark and I’m sobbing like full on ugly crying and i started to pray to God.
In that moment that’s when I stoped running. I was so tired of the running and so tired of being something I wasn’t. I start asking God who I was and what I was supposed to do because I no longer knew. And in that moment he told me to give him my heart. I was no longer running but I was there as a child of God with a new identity and a new call. God told me to love his people and that has been this crazy journey I have embarked on.
Fast forward two years I have graduated college and I am looking for a job. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do. So we are in church one Sunday and after service my mom goes up to our pastor and says that I would like to work in the church which was weird because I had never said anything along those lines to anyone. So my pastor says she will keep an eye out for anything. Go forward to Wednesday that same week and I get a call from my pastor because our director of ministries put in his two week notice and she asked me to apply for the job. I end up getting the job and since then I have learned so much and grew in my relationship with God tremendously.
I still think after this whole post it begs the question of still why this race? Why commit 11 months of my life serving other people around the world, why take the risk, why leave friends and family, and why spend that amount of money? All I can tell you that this is something deep down in my soul God has been preparing me for. From the moment I learned I was a child of christ I knew I was meant for a life not of my own or this world but His. I have been running from this call my whole life and it is finally time for me to stop and go. I know this is what I am supposed to do because I have prayed, denied, and tried to do other things, but a life as a missionary is what I am called to do. I know some still might not understand or get it and that’s completely fine. However, I still ask for your support, and prayers, and helping me through this journey. Although it will not be easy and I will be leaving everything I know it is my time to be brave and finally run towards what God has called me to do.
John 8:32 “For you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free”
