Fear Can not control me!
I put that title not for my readers but for a reminder to myself. I feel like I can relate that title to a couple different aspects in my life but I am going to talk about the most recent one! The last blog I wrote I got so much positive feedback that it actually started to paralyze me and make me not want to write another one. I felt like a deer standing in headlights, frozen, not knowing where to go and what to do. Standing there waiting for the car to hopefully hit their breaks fast enough that they don’t come slamming into me. The messages and the number of overwhelming encouragement left me feeling confused. I’ve reread that post what feels like a million times and each time I’ve finished it I’ve felt fear and lies come over my heart. It’s almost ironic how that works! I also understand that people might not understand why! So I am going to explain one of the fears that is trying to control me!
Throughout college there was a guy that was very influential to me. In all honesty I gave him way too much power over me to control who I was. He spoke words over me and my life that it left me feeling insignificant, stupid, and not worth anything. Countless times I would ask him if he could check for grammatical errors and that my sentences were coherent in papers I would write for class. It did not matter if I wrote one word or 20 pages every single time I would be wrong. I would be belittled, told I wasn’t good enough, and asked seriously how could a person as dumb as me even make it into college and how was I ever going to get a job when I got out. I would spend countless hours on these papers making sure they were good, just to be told they weren’t good enough; that I wasn’t good enough. My pillow during that time felt like a mixture between my shower and an overused tissue. My heart was broken and I began to believe those words. The words of I’m not good enough, worthy enough, smart enough to even be in college started to ring through my head and then fall into everything I did. I became so angry and bitter that it trickled into everything I did and became a part of who I was.
However God had a hold of me before I even realized it and I left that relationship and started to find the real truth about myself. I want to say when I picked up my cross and started following him I left those words behind me but the devil is still trying to use them against me. When I posted my last entry it came from God using me to share his words. With that the devil got mad. He started attacking my thoughts back to the days when I felt unworthy and felt incapable of doing anything right. He is trying to keep the old wounds of before I came to Christ and before I turned towards God and away from the devil alive inside of my heart. I’m not bitter or angry at the person who said those words to me I have forgiven them a while back. However the words still ring and this time I’m not letting the devil win and control who God has called me to be.
I no longer want to live in the fear that the devil has casted over me but to live in the Freedom of being with God. To know and remember that at the end of the day these are not my words but Gods. To remember that I am a child of Christ and with him he reminds me that I am smart, worthy, beautiful, and loved. The fear is still there every time I post a blog but it’s not going to control my life. It’s not going to start to frustrate me to the end of wanting to give up, I’m not going to let it be held over me because God is in control.
To answer the why is because of insecurities. To answer the why is because of lies. To answer the why it’s because I am still human and struggle. I hold the Bible verse John 8:32 near and dear to my heart: “you shall know the truth and the truth shall set me free.” My prayer is I remember the truth God placed in my heart and don’t listen to the fear, because the fear does not control me because I won’t let it.
I hope to write more blogs about the fear I am encountering! So make sure to subscribe to hear about it??
