To my church family,
An eerie feeling filled the room as I entered the church building. I was stopping in because I needed to print off some papers and get some books for my bible study. However, as the papers were printing my curiosity got the best of me and I decided I needed to see the sanctuary.
As I slowly walked down the halls the first thing I noticed was this smell. It reminded me of when I used to be at my grandparents house and we would go down into the basement. It was the musty no one had been there in ages kind of smell. Then my heart began to sink. I walked by classroom after classroom remembering the laughs and each individual who would be in there. From the Sunday School classes all the way to our Wednesday afternoon bible studies. I stood and smiled for a bit as I remember all the amazing things I have learned from all of my church family.
I then continued on passing the nursery, then the choir room, and the stopping because a train caught my eye. I recalled the last time we were all together at church some of the little kids were playing with that train. Still to be left out and untouched months later. I remember the laughter and joy as I passed by the class room that day and I didn’t even stop and talk to the kids that day like I normally did. I ran by with some other task at hand.
I went on down the hallway leading to our sanctuary stopping just for a second to notice the YCAP meals sign up sheet still out. I saw all the names of the church members willing to feed those 18 youth after school knowing it might be one of the only meals they get. I started to tear up and praying that those youth have been able to find food and stay safe during the pandemic.
I passed the entrance where I would normally be handed a bulletin by one of our greeters before I would go sit down. Then I finally made it. I was at the sanctuary. The sanctuary I grew up in. The sanctuary I had left and come back to a thousand different times. The sanctuary when I went off to college and came back was still there welcoming with open arms. But it was different this time. The lights were out and as I looked around I saw the camera stands and microphones up because we have been recording services. And I felt this chill and darkness I had never felt before.
I made my way to my seat I have sat in since I was a kid. Front pew, far left side, on the right side of the sanctuary. My pew felt different. It seemed stiff, almost harder than I recalled. I saw the pile of bibles and hymns I had collected over the years. Then the tears started to come. My church building has been empty. I started to remember the Sundays before everything happened. The Rikard’s sitting behind me as their daughter would sometimes color me notes and pass them to me. The choir singing and playing so beautifully as I would make way to long of eye contact with my friend Abby. Then I could hear the Amen still ringing through the church because Mr. Bryant had been moved by the song they sang. The youth coming up to me and giving me hugs and asking how I was doing and telling me the new crazy thing that had happened in their lives this week. Mr. Penney at the ripe age of 98 standing up in the back row as I would make my way to talk to him just because that was the gentleman he was. The Newman’s, the Mackersie’s, the Kuykendall’s, the Skidmore’s, the Bean’s, and so many more sitting in the same seats they have been sitting in for years. Looking back and seeing my parents smiling back at me. Thinking of children’s time when we would sing “Jesus loves you” as they made their way to the front with Sue while Elaine and Anita would come sit down beside me because they were bringing in the nursery kids. We never knew what funny things would come out of those kiddos mouths but they still bring a smile to my face just thinking about it. But then I looked at the cross at the front of the church. The lights were still off and it was Dark.
I started to pray for each of the church members who have walked through our church, for our community, then for everyone in our country, then for our world. The silence fell over me and I was still. My heart misses my church family and yes I know there are articles out there saying this is the best thing for the church because the church wasn’t perfect and it needed to be fixed. I have come to realize that I have never gone to a perfect church and I also realize I never will on this Earth. And unintentionally and sometimes intentionally people have gotten hurt from the church and that breaks my heart, but I know my church isn’t perfect and our churches will never be perfect. Even after the pandemic is over and we can meet again we still won’t get it right. But that’s okay because it talks all throughout the Bible how God uses the imperfect to show his Perfection, His greatness, His love for us and how it can bring people closer to Him.
I know this pandemic has streamed thousands of services over the internet and I pray it has started working in people’s hearts to bring them to God. But I still miss my Sunday church family. The Sunday Lunches, The conversations we would have, the friendships we had built, and the work we could do when we all came together! I know God is still good during this pandemic and I know he will be Good long after, but right now my heart misses my church family. As I got up from my seat I turned and noticed the stained glass windows and how there was still light coming in. And that is my hope. It reminded me of John 1:5 “the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not over come it.” Even with the churches still closed there is still light and God is still good. So I know I will see my church family again and I am excited for that day. So right now know you all are dearly missed but there is still Light in this Darkness.
