Before leaving for the World Race, one of my main concerns was how I was going to handle my return to the U.S. I’ve heard people come back from mission trips before and be extremely outspoken about their disdain of western culture. I’m not attracted to those kinds of conversations and I was worried that I would either come home and be critical and un-relatable or depressed from having seen so many people in need.
The first time I went overseas for missions I was only gone for 10 days. In those 10 days I saw so much need it was completely overwhelming. It’s one thing to see sad commercials of hungry children but it’s another thing to actually hold them, talk with them, and see their smiles and laughter because people are visiting them and caring for them. After seeing that for the first time, I had a hard time going back to my life. I couldn’t get past the need in the world and I desired to be one of the people who chooses not to look away. I made the choice to go back and to do more through the World Race.
This time, after 11 months of seeing so much need, but also so much abundance, I have an increased perspective. It took about 9 months for me to come to the point of having nothing left to give of myself. 9 months in to the race, I was just not myself anymore. If you are familiar with the analogy of Jesus being living water, the best way to describe myself was dried up. I couldn’t understand it and I was so frustrated with myself for not having the joy or desire to serve. I was so excited when I found Red Bull in South America and there were too many days when I had to take a walk around the block, grab a Red Bull, and give myself a serious pep talk to be able to play with more kids, sing more songs, share more messages, get to know more people.
When I came home I was THRILLED to be back in the U.S. I missed everything about life here. From appliances (I could write a whole blog on my gratitude for appliances) to reliable warm showers, I just was and am so happy to be home. I didn’t have any problems with grocery shopping that some people experience, the overwhelming amount of choices and options. I LOVE choice. I LOVE options. I LOVE America.
But then, I started thinking about the need around the world again. How can I enjoy these meaningless material things when there are children who don’t have someone to hold them and tuck them in to bed? How can I have been there, known them, and then come back here? UGH. It’s not easy. But then I remember the months and months when I felt completely sucked dry, with nothing left of myself to give, and no passion, no energy to go on. I am faced with the fact that I am just one person. We are each just one person. Not one of us can save the entire world. I will always just be one person and there will always be so many more people in need.
This is when I came face to face with a big question. Do I trust God? Do I trust that He is good?
Honestly, I subconsciously questioned his goodness many times in the past year because I ask the obvious questions about how can there be this much poverty, hunger, and lonliness? It’s not fair. I hate it.
But I have to remember this is not the end of the story. I have to allow my perspective to expand. The greater picture. I am one person who says yes. If that is saying yes t Living in the US. or if I say yes to going to another country, I trust God to use my little yes and amplify it. I trust that He has a plan in the works for the lives of all the people who call upon His name. I do trust Him. I do know that He is good…and I don’t have to have the answers to choose to trust His sight over mine and His judgment over mine.
Following Jesus is FULL of paradoxes. It is infinitely complex and yet as simple as just one word: love.
Am I able to hold all of these things in balance and to be aware of others needs and still enjoy my blessings? Am I able to listen and say yes to serving at times while other times choosing to rest and recharge?
At some point, those of us who choose not to turn away from need will realize that for right now, good and evil coexist in this world and that is something we can not change. But we can choose not to be discouraged. We can choose to trust a bigger picture, a God who is working behind the scenes, and who allows us to place the burden on His shoulders and rest in the fact that He’s got it covered.
John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
