These past few weeks I have been focused so solely on making money and living my life for selfishly for me. Until this weekend I thought it was a good thing that I have been focused on making money because I ultimately need close to $16,000 to be able to go on this trip. Thinking I was doing the right thing by focusing on money I have begun to feel a sense of emptiness about this trip and in my every day life. I have been putting off seeking God in my emptiness because deep down I know it is Him my heart is missing. I can feel my heart thirsting for time with Him; but I have been "too busy".
Yesterday I was driving to my part time waitressing job and the song "Redeemed" came on the radio and I burst into tears.
"Seems like all I could see was the struggle" – yes I am focused on this overwhelming goal of raising money and fitting in time with Him.
"Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past" – feeling my past mistakes catching up with me; losing touch with Him at times that he wanted so badly to be present in my life
"Bound up in shackles of all my failures" – feeling as though I am going to fail and not fulfill his wishes for me to go on this race and do His work
"Wondering how long is this gonna last"– wondering how long it's going to take me to realize what this emptiness is and when I am going to sit down during this chaotic time in my life and realize He is my struggle and He and only He can overcome all of it
"Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son stop fighting a fight it's already been won" – He has already overcome the world and won the war I am living everyday in His PURE GRACE.
"I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed"
My teammates have been enormously helpful in helping me see how the Lord is working in their lives. They are an answer to a prayer I didn't even know I was praying; proof that God knows what I need better than I do.
I just pray Lord that I do not forget you at any point in this race because you are the SOLE purpose for this journey and I cannot put faith in anything but you when preparing my heart my mind and everything else. I thank you again for your UNENDING love and MERCY! Amen
