My question for this second part of this blog is… What do you do if more than one thing “breaks your heart”?
Before the race I had this expectation that God would show me over the course of these eleven months what I would do with my life. I would receive a giant neon arrow pointed directly at my future. After my experience in India I thought I had it all figured out. My heart had been ripped and captured by the kids. I was ready to throw it all in. I was ready to give up my life in the United States; the comforts, even the potential of getting married anytime soon. I was/still am ready to hand all those things over for the calling God has for me.
One thing God has been working on in me is TRUST. As a world racer you hope and pray that you will come off this trip changed. God has showed me how to trust Him. I have made it part of my daily routine now to just TRUST that whatever He has for me will be better than I can even imagine.
While still being present on this trip I have started to plan and process what my life would be like after the race: What will it be like to leave home and head back to India? Yet in the midst of my excitement and my day-dreaming I found that my heart was not 100% settled. I ignored this feeling because in my mind and in my heart, India made sense. It make sense that God would want me to be overseas living and ministering in this place that requires me to give up my life as I knew it. It makes sense that God would break my heart for kids that need a loving foster mom. In this storybook missionary life it was perfect.
Debrief shattered me.
Other opportunities post-race have started to present themselves. Although it is wonderful to know I have options it is sort of overwhelming to me at the same time. I was holding on to this idea I would have one option, one clear, and perfect option for my post- race life. A few things combined to help me to arrive at this new place of peace…
– Remembering a couple of conversations with my fellow squad mates and how they chose their colleges, made me think about my big upcoming life decisions.
“Have I ever made a huge decision based on prayer?”
No I haven’t, but I desire to do so in the future. I have let my flesh desires and other things, influence my decisions. Although I have a wonderful life, I feel God has a better plan for me. I want what God has for me.
-Talking with my good friend encouraged me that India will always be a part of my heart; that the boys that I met there will be with me always. She said maybe God is saying “later”. Trusting God’s timing is what I am working on now. I will return to India but I am still praying about timing
-After a debrief session I was praying with a friend and we also talked about our futures. In that moment, I realized I was learning to make decisions based on prayer. It is like learning to use a new muscle. I have to learn to use my prayers and my discernment. A deep relationship with God is cultivated over time, not at the snap of my fingers. To get to know a friend better, you must spend time with them… same with God.
Where am I now? I am praying about my future. I am going to spend time seeking God for counsel. My desire is to stay present and focused here on the field. Yet at the same time, I will be spending time with God, asking Him to guide me and increase my trust in Him.
I promise to keep you all posted.
All for now,
Katelyn
