Love letter to R squad.
Coming on the race I felt the healing process for me had been completed and the healing that needed to be done was on reserve for my teammates and fellow squad-mates. I felt I was done with the healing that God wanted to do in me. It hasn’t been till now; MONTH 10 that the Lord has revealed to me how truly wrong I was.
I can honestly say I am grateful for this journey however good, bad, ugly, painful and frustrating it was at times. I have seen how it is all working together; coming full circle for God’s glory. These times have shown in my life God’s miraculous power to heal and restore his beloved children, his power to reveal and time things out in our lives perfectly.
I must say thank you all for being a part of this healing as well. Realizing back at home that “community” for me was non-existent. At this point on the race having 10 straight months of no personal space, no real alone time have non-existent community may sound nice; but it may sound like to us now simply peace and quiet, no nightly feedbacks, being able to sleep when we want, eat what we want, and not having to answer to anyone. In reality for me community has healed me, pushed me, and helped me see things in myself I never knew and frankly didn’t want to.
Living alone for almost 3 years; my last year of college and two years post graduation I have been able to live with very little confrontation and drama. I interacted with those I wanted to. I would see my long time friends from high school for a long weekend here and there and our time would be spent catching up and just enjoying the chance to see one another. I would spend time with church or work friends occasionally but when I needed a break I went home. If someone in my life was pushing my buttons or getting under my skin I would retreat home and forget those things.
I realized now that I was retreating back to my home to avoid any roadblocks in my relationships. I was avoiding pressing in, never seeking deeper relationships with people.
Now on the race I am realizing every time I get irritated, hurt or offended there is a root. There is a root to that pain and that hurt; a root that leads to a wound left by previous friendships or relationships. But because I would just retreat or run away when those friendships or relationships got hard I was essentially putting a Band-Aid on a deep flesh wound. These wounds over time where covered up by a scab that developed when I would repeatedly tell myself, “I’m fine” and or distract myself with other things.
This is where God and the race have started to fully heal me and make me whole again. Here on the race you can’t run away!!!
A friend used the analogy: it’s like walking around with a giant wound under our pant leg it doesn’t hurt when it has Neosporin and a bandage on it and no one is messing with it but when we are just innocently standing in line at Starbucks going on about our daily life and someone suddenly just slightly brushes that would we lash out. That person may have no idea what they have done but you on the other hand feel the pain and you may even relive the moments that the wound occurred.
In this process I realize I have grown to love my community that much more. These people have brushed my wounds innocently and forced me to hurt and to relive some of the things from my past but in that they have pushed me toward God and toward healing and wholeness in my life.
So with this race coming to a close in a few short weeks I realize I may not get to have a chance to thank each person individually from ou(R) squad but this is me telling each and every one of you whether we hung out a lot or we never had the chance to make a deep connection you played a part in my life a part that is leading me to a deeper relationship with God and with myself.
I sincerely love you all.
Katelyn
****One last thing I want to mention is for future racers.
I have a warning and a plea to share with you. I want you to be ready to let your community make you uncomfortable, to push you in ways that you couldn’t be pushed back at home. Let those around you push your wounds because in that discomfort you will find healing and God is ready to heal; he is ready for you to release all the things in your life that have left deep wounds in you. God is waiting and if you let it this type of community can be a catalyst IF YOU LET IT
Ps- Don’t let anyone tell you that the last two months are a “wash” either… continue to press in and don’t take this opportunity for granted 11 months goes by FAST!
X
