I find myself blogging the most when emotions are running high and I feel a need to spill out what I can keep inside anymore….
This week has been a hard week on top of a lot of things going on because I have been sick. (I always wait WAY to long to do anything about not feeling well)
I find myself feeling overwhelmed A LOT as though these "chains" are dragging me down; holding me in a place far away from where I want to be which is next to God. At work, at home, with relationships, with church, with friendships, everything have felt like heavy bricks laying on my heart and mind.
At work there are so many days I find my mind filled with questions like “am I do a good enough job”, “could I do better”, as well as “what do my co-workers think of how I do my job”, “when I leave this job no one will miss me and they will think she was an awful social worker”. This form of self-doubt turns into anxiety that I can seem to overcome most days. Then there are days that it just boils over..
At home I find myself recently being overwhelmed with how much STUFF I have. A) Thinking about all those who don’t have anything and seeing how much I have makes me feel sick B) I see all of this stuff and think what am I going to do with it all when I go on the race. C) I don’t need this stuff; how do I get rid of it.
When it comes to relationships recently I have been content with my single status because of the race but with holidays coming up I feel alone a lot of the time because I am alone. I live alone; I live in a town where I know basically no one; and I try so hard to keep busy working and seeing friends that I run myself ragged. I miss having friendships where we just relaxed together. I think that is why I like just hanging out at other people’s houses or watching a movie with someone because I am so tired from everything I am trying to do to stay “busy” yet single.
My church group is WONDERFUL don’t get me wrong but I find myself this week stressed about not getting to spend time with them when they make plans because I am working.
I also feel anxious about friendships too! My friends/family are not in the same town and some are states away so it takes a genuine effort to keep in touch with them. It is hard being alone and missing everyone I love all the time.
{I don't mean to sound like a whiner but these thoughts have overwhelmed me and brought me to my knees before the Lord as I ask for His help}
I know God has placed me in this position to do the race to challenge me. He wants me to abandon the EXCESS in my life to pursue HIM and His plans for me. I know that is why I am so anxious to leave on this mission but also the same reason I am dreading the next 6 months because I know I have a lot of work to do.
I feel God speaking to my heart telling me it will all be okay; take it one day at a time. I am not ashamed at my weakness; it just gives me a chance to highlight His amazing strength to help me overcome. There is not shame because God loves me with all my imperfections. He wants me to simplify my life and dedicate more time to Him. He knows that my heart is in need of less clutter and more time seeking Him. I trust Him and want nothing more than to move all other things to the side and to remove what is stopping me from being right next to HIM.
Satan will not get the best of me not now; not ever. I pray for closenss to our one TRUE AND AWESOME GOD!
In the words of my fellow racer Nikki; "God's got this")
