I know this is kind of raw.
Maybe too raw to some; maybe not raw enough for others.
Maybe too raw to some; maybe not raw enough for others.
I get scared posting my heart because I worry what others may think.
Oh, no she doesn’t have it all together. Ooops, surprise. I don’t.
It’s such a learning process and I seem to go about it messy and obvious.
I have so much other things I want to share with you and yet my brokenness is what must be released right now.
When you start to respond to the call on your life, things that need to die of your self seem to surface and that is what I am going through now.
So I am here mourning this death. Today will soon be over and tomorrow will come. But in the meantime I need to just be.
In all honesty, right now I feel as though my heart is being torn down the middle. Maybe like the curtain that tore when Christ died on the cross that separated the death of the past from the hope of the future.
Why must something die inside for me to reach a place of life?
Why must something die inside for me to reach a place of life?
And how do you put your hope in a God who seems to be the one that is tearing you from the core? But then at the same time your only hope is to place hope in this God.
I do know that He is a God who desires us to respond. But I realize only part of my heart responds and I have found places of me that I don’t want Him to have all of.
Why?
I guess because I don’t trust Him with it. But letting go is the only place of freedom, even if I must put my clenched fists up in the air to Him and give Him it that way, I will. You may say that is valiant or strong of me. I think its more out of desperation and weakness.
I think we get this idea or picture of freedom, and God is like yeah, but my Freedom looks like this…
and you sit there staring at a whole new canvas that you never fathomed before. But it means you have to toss out the picture that you first created with your own hands.
I know God is good in my mind, but in my heart I am struggling right now. I know His freedom is good because he is good, but in my heart I want to scream. When will the aching end? Jesus paid the price for me to be free, why do I feel like I have to walk on shards of glass to get there? I don’t want to bleed. Jesus your blood is enough. God help me let go. Help me find me again. Help me find joy again and life.
All I can say is help.
And then there is tomorrow.
The sun will shine.
The sun will shine.
I will put my smile on.
I will live. I will hope. I will be free.
And I will move on,
because life is messy and somehow that mess turns into a beautiful masterpiece when you step away
to see the bigger picture.
