I Don’t Trust You God

Apparently I skipped class on the day this lesson was being taught. I kept wondering what was happening to me because I was stuck in fear, I wanted security, I forgot whose I was, and I stopped trusting God. I found myself half way through this 11 month journey of serving God on the mission field, and He tells me that I am not fully surrendered… He wants more! I wanted to scream, “I left my friends, family, security, comfort, but still you want more!”

Even worse is that I felt unsafe in Africa. I saw how God loved these people and I began to wonder if He would give my life for the sake of theirs if it meant their eternal security. I mean, why not, right? I was walking afraid and realized that I just didn’t trust God.

What if he asked for more than I can give?

What if He calls me to live in Africa?

What if He wanted my life then?

I was okay with that, but now was another story.

I felt as if I was on the edge of a cliff ready to jump, but didn’t see my Daddy’s arms that were supposed to be there to catch me.

I had forgotten who I was. Tanzania was a rough month; probably the worst month of my trip. I shut down in ministry, I shut down on God, I shut down on my team. And it all stemmed with this identity crisis of who I was as someone who lost trust in the very Being that motivated me to go thousands of miles away from home to a place I now didn’t want to be.

God broke me down, but He was there to build me up. He redefined how I saw Him. It was time for me to be yet again transformed by His love so that there was no fear left within me.