It all started in Ukraine. I was reading through Leviticus and Deuteronomy … yea I know, exciting books you’re thinking…..but really they are! God has been speaking so much to me through them. You should read them 😉
So as the Israelites get ready to conquer the surrounding cities to enter the Promise Land, God tells them to destroy these idol worshiping cultures. Well, when I looked at what the word “destroyed” meant, it says “the irrevocable giving over of things or pers
ons to the LORD, often by totally
destroying them”. So I got this genius idea to ask God to destroy me because I desire myself to be completely the Lord’s. I desire the parts of me that are flesh to be destroyed and to allow the true life of Jesus to rise up and be resurrected within. I want to be in the Promise Land with God!
Well, since I began praying that God would destroy me, things got scary. All I can say is, be careful for what you ask for.
MY LIFE RIGHT NOW
Quick side note…Being towards the end of the Race, I have/had this misconception that by now my life should be put together. The things I struggled with will have been gone. I will be the “perfect Christian” and the “perfect “missionary” (whatever that may look like!).
In all reality, now that the end is near I have become the biggest disaster case since the beginning of the Race. God has surfaced struggles, dirt, strongholds, whatever you want to call it, that I thought were gone and done with.
Honesty, I am a weeper, I basically cry a lot. I’ve learned its not bad, its just apart of who I am. And boy did I cry in Ukraine, like snotting, sobbing, hysterical crying and in front of my whole team. My team…yea I basically love them. And they have seen me the most vulnerable and ugly than anyone else in the world. They know me better than anyone else in the world. We have fought together, interceded together, screamed declarations together, obviously cried together, danced together, celebrated victories together. I am loved by them. I mean I sure put them through the test last month, and they are still there closer than ever.
I guess what I am saying is that I am and have been a mess lately, and I’m finding that its okay to be a mess. God’s rooting stuff out now. It hurts, I cry, I get mad at God, we don’t talk for a bit, and then I come back and find His arms still open as always for me. He’s not angry, He’s love. Since Thailand God has taught me how the foundation of who I am is resting on his unconditional love, and no matter how big of a mess I am, I am still scooped up and cradled in that love.
So, yea, I can’t say I am fully there yet, but I am learning to fight for what’s truth, I am learning to be more real and vulnerable than ever, I am learning that when I get knocked down I get up again because I am not a quitter…I am a fighter and I have the King of Kings fighting for me by my side and I have my family fighting by my side.
I will never lose heart, I will never lose hope, HIS love is holding me together!
