I arrived in SaPa, Vietnam with GRAND expectations for the month. Oh, how God used my expectations to teach me a lesson I’ll never forget … From my journal:
August 31, 2015
I want to leave. It smells. I’m on the floor. It’s awful and dirty. The bathroom and shower share a hallway with the pigs. I’m miserable, face in my pack sobbing, stuck. I thought this month would be different. God, this is what you give me? Pigs, rice fields, mountains. I don’t see You, and I want to leave.
September 1, 2015
I still want to leave, but after sleeping I’m a little more rational. Yet, all I want to do is cry. Last night, while the rest of the team unpacked, put their tents together, and settled in to our “home”, I sat huddled in a ball sobbing into my hands. It was that ugly cry, filled with self-pity and thinking, “How can I do this for 4 more weeks and enjoy myself?”
I’m just so negative. All my thoughts, I can’t see anything optimistically. I feel trapped and out of control. There’s no joy about this month…only dread.
Father, restore my joy. Help me keep a positive attitude and be thankful because none of those things are coming naturally right now. My thoughts are running wild.
“For though the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments (imaginations) and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled”
(2 Corinthian 10:3-6).
Obviously,You plan something amazing and incredible this month. Why else would the enemy attack my thoughts so intensely? He wants to paralyze me, shut me down, and turn me against this place, this month, and this ministry, so I can’t hear You or obey You.
That’s what that verse talks about….casting down imaginations and arguments that exalt themselves against the knowledge of God and bring every thought into captivity. God, that’s where I need Your help! Hold my thoughts tight and only let the ones from You free. Father, release my joy and light for what You have for me this month.
September 2, 2015
God, I know You’re working on cleansing my soul. All this melting down and crying, You’re teaching me something, right?
Anxiety. You’re healing me of anxiety and my need to feel in control. You’re teaching me that You are enough. My circumstances don’t get on me or press me down, but rather I’m so malleable to Your presence in my life that You use the circumstance to conform me.
You’re renewing my mind to thankfulness.You’re teaching me whole dependence on You. It’s not my job to control my circumstance, but rather trust You. You will keep me healthy, clean, and safe. You will give me the rest and strength I need. When I put my expectation in You, I don’t need to concern myself with day to day details or hoping the people around me will behave a certain way. You are greater and my trust is in in You alone.
“We are not fundamentally free; external circumstances are not in our hands’ they are in God’s hands, the one thing in which we are fee is our personal relationship to God. We are not responsible for the circumstances we are in, but we are responsible for the way we allow those circumstances to affect us. We can either allow them to get on top of us or we can allow them to transform us into what God wants us to be.” ~ Oswald Chambers
Father, that’s what You’re doing in me this month. Shaping, molding, transforming me into who You want me to be. You’re teaching me that I can only put my expectations in You. Thank you for getting this out of the way now, so that I can get on with my month in SaPa.
September 3, 2015
Father, just like I wrote yesterday….You are enough. I am content with my arms wrapped around your neck, leaning all my weight into You. That’s the test for this month. With everything stripped away, will I still find joy? Will my joy be found in You? Will I experience Your presence even more?
September 4, 2015
Well, I’m beginning to appreciate this place and what You are doing within me here. I’ve finally let You get to the depths of my heart. I’ve chosen to trust You to work within my circumstances. I want Your will completed to the fullest extent through my obedience, led by Your peace, and trusting that you will provide.
I am free in Christ! This is where you want me for this season. Father, You’re taking me deeper in understanding and strengthening my roots of humility in your love.
My mind softly sings, “More of You and Less of me,”
Yet, I can’t help but wonder, shouldn’t I sing instead,
“ALL of You and None of me?”
All of that went through my mind, heart, and soul in 5 days. 5 days. God flipped me upside down, shook me around, and set me right side up again with my vision corrected and focused on Him.
Oh, how sweet it is to be His daughter.
Love Love Love
Kate
