Team Leader Fail

I just knew I needed to write this blog. It was going to happen. I knew I needed to write it more for me though. I needed to see those words. I needed to read, “team leader fail”. I need this blog, however I need others to see it too. It’s humbling to write those words.
 

 
This blog has been coming since the day I was asked to be a team leader. Now just keep reading…don’t shut me off quite yet.
 
I have to admit it. I have failed as a team leader. I think of all my friends, family, supporters, co-workers, acquaintances and random readers who have just read those words. The sweat drips down my brow at this moment just mulling over my worries that the word is out. I can’t hide it anymore. You know now.
 

 
In one moment of shear panic…in a village set apart in a remote part of northern Thailand…in a year of abandoning my comforts and securities…in a time under attacks from the evil one…in my weakness…
 

 
You see I began to think that I had some sort of power and control in a situation. I began to think that if I tried harder, planned extra, talked through, reflected longer and, well, controlled more, that I would be able to do something different. The chaos in my head ran circles around every detail but the energy was dying out because, honestly, there was not enough energy in the day for me to figure it all out.
 
The situation was out of my hands. It always was. Leading was out of my hands. My team was out of my hands. I was not the leader… EVER.
 

 
I forgot that though. I thought I could do it…alone…and I can’t. I needed this moment of realization to humble me to the foot of the Cross.  I needed that moment to hear Christ speak to me.
 
Christ told me at training camp some special words, “Trust in me! Nothing by your power will succeed without me walking hand in hand with you. Don’t think that a leadership role will be put on you without a lot of difficulty and a lot of weakness on your part. You cannot do it without me! I want you to hear this…It is ME in you that is a leader.”
 
And again he spoke to me during my stay in Thailand, “I know why you are tired. You are trying to control it, but it is not yours to control. It is mine. Daughter you are not a failure though. You are chosen. I chose you. The God of the Heavens and the Earth, the little and the big, the beginning and the end, chose you. Chose you for a plan. My plan that I control, that I love for you. What good do you think control will be in all of this? Why, my daughter, don’t you let go? I have already told you that I will never leave you. I know you already know what I have to say about my leadership in you. It is I, not you Kathleen Nixon, that is your strength and the leader of this team.”
 
I needed this moment to see that Christ is my leader. I need this moment to see that even in my failure, Christ shed his grace on me. I need this moment to see that Christ is my strength. I needed this moment to see that in my weakness Christ can shine all the more brightly!
 

 
 

This was just the beginning for me. I learned that Christ was my leader, but I also began the journey to chose my worth in Christ and NOT MY ROLE AS A LEADER.
 
At the end of Thailand, I was asked to be a leader again for the following month, but I KNEW Christ was asking me to choose HIM instead of my position.

In the midst of making the hardest decision of my life, the question lied before me…
 

 
Now is my time to bask in the arms of my Father and to know who I am as just a daughter. A princess. A chosen child of the King. Just that. Nothing else.

 
Even though I am no longer a team leader that doesn’t change anything. I loved my time as a leader. I loved every lesson, every learning moment, and every chance to grow more in Christ leading through me. Christ had me there for a season and I am grateful for that.