I never realized my deep desire for control until I had none. I think, whether we are aware of it or not, we all have this desire for control. We attempt to control various aspects of our life from simple things like our daily schedule to our relationships with others and even our careers. Personally, I have always tried to control my future. From a young age we are asked, “What do you want to do when you grow up?”. Our minds race with possibilities and we start to dream big. As the years go on we get a clearer picture and start to actually plan how we would like our lives to turn out. By high school graduation I had a five year plan. I planned to graduate from college in three years, go on the world race, and then teach. That 5 year plan became my sole goal in life and I worked tirelessly towards achieving it. My desire for control spread from planning my future to planning my day to day life. This was especially evident during my student teaching. I spent many nights restlessly planning teach moment of the next school day.
Coming from that tight grip to Month One was a difficult transition. We didn’t get much of a schedule and when we did there weren’t always clear expectations. There were many times that we planned things and events that never happened. In those moments I felt like I lost my ability to control. I often felt like we were wasting time.
Month Two contrasted greatly. We had a set schedule or as much of a schedule as you can get in Swaziland. Although we went about our days in some sort of rhythm it was often very flexible. I learned to be a pro at the hurry up and wait game. I arrived on time, but then waited for things to actually start (African time is a real thing). Through that experience I learned to be more flexible. To take my eyes off the clock and just enjoy the moment.
Right now I am sitting on a bus (22 passenger van) headed towards Month Three: Mozambique. At this point we have been in the van for 35 hours and the end is no where near in sight. As I think about the unknown amount of hours remaining on this bus and the month ahead I realize just how little I actually know. I have no idea when our next stop will be, what we are going to eat, or why the cops keep pulling us over. I know the country and the name of the city for our next location, but nothing beyond that. I have no idea what our actual ministry will be, where we are staying, or what our free days will look like. Yet I am extremely at peace. I do not have the desire to plan for the unknown. Right now my only desires is to look past the person on my left and the two people on my right and take in the surroundings. I am slowly loosing control. I have given God the steering wheel. I am happily sitting in the passenger seat just going along for the ride.
Ps: For those wondering the bus ride lasted a total of 56 hours!
