Letting go of home
Finding comfort only in Him
Choosing to obey
I choose to write this little haiku because quite honestly I didn’t know where to start. I’v been asking the Lord, “show me what to say, tell me where to start.” and he keeps telling me over and over to tell the story as he made it. to start at the beginning and walk you through what he is teaching me. so here it goes…
I’ll be honest leaving my family wasn’t that hard. I knew that my home was coming with me that I wasn’t going to have to be that uncomfortable because guess what my twin was leaving with me that meant everything I had ever known for the last 18 years was taking the “big” step with me. I haven’t had to say bye to the one person in my life where most of my identity has been found and my best friend lies. nope instead I have been holding on to that until about a week ago.
last week Friday God revealed emotion to me that I had been avoiding for my whole 18 years of life. He started to reveal to me that leaving Caroline was going to be one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life and stepping away from her and finding a new identify and home was challenging. Fridaymorning Caz was sick in bed and all I wanted to do was lay next to her and take care of her I didn’t want to go to ministry I dint want to leave her. well as I hugged her goodbye God told me “Kat your time to comfort her is over” ah that was hard! well I brushed it off and went about my day. later that morning one of my team mates said “hey are you sad to leave Caz?” and with the most generic answer said “oh yea sure its sad but im excited it will be great”
Then during lunch my heart became very heavy. All of a sudden Corbyn made an announcement… she felt there was a heaviness in the room and people were struggling with abandonment and saying goodbye so she had us all turn to our neighbor and share what was on our hearts I timidly turned to Kaylen my team mate who was sitting next to me and started to cry a little bit I told her I was struggling with saying bye to Caroline and I didn’t know how to process. she sat there with listening ears as I also proceeded to tell her about Dan, a man I had started to build a relationship with and had to say goodbye that day and it was hurting my heart to leave him.
About 2 minuets later Corbyn asked if anyone would like to share. it was dead silent… and all of a sudden without thinking my hand shot up. and told everyone about Dan the man I had to say bye to. and didn’t say anything about Caz because I was to embraced. After that everyone gathered around me and prayed for me. right after I was eating my noodles, I kept hearing the Holy Spirit prompting me to go talk to Corbyn. so I decided well she should know what was actually going on in my heart…
I walked up sat down and immediately she said “oh hey! I knew you were going to come talk to me” I got about one word in and then started to cry so hard, I couldn’t stop. I told her everything that was on my heart I was confused and I didn’t know why I was feeling such abandonment.
I told her that I didn’t want to have to talk to Caroline I didn’t want to tell her I loved her because forever I didn’t have to hug her I didn’t have to tell her what was happening in my life and we never had to talk about what the other was feeling because we already knew. its kinda like twin telepathy but as I’v grown to realize it is just that we hold the same spirit, and living every waking moment together gives you another layer of identity problems which then makes more confusion.
Corbyn sat with listening ears and told me I had to talk to Jesus before talking to Caz. So I took my “noods” outside and cried as I sat in Gods presence yearning for answers from him. laying everything down I sat there with empty hands with a ready heart and the knowledge that God was taking me deeper I just didn’t know where or how.
Then not in a booming voice or a roar from heaven. God spoke to me in a soft and gentle whisper…“Kat you need to be uncomfortable to be comfortable in me. let me change you. you need to give it all to me for I am a sufficient God. I give and take away but when you give it all to me I will bless you over and over again. you don’t need to worry. for find your comfort and home only in me. find who you are in me. find your identity and beauty only in me. Kat let go of comforts in your life not only Caroline. cut your hair for me. let go.”
that next day Caroline came with me and without telling many people we choose a little hair shop out of the many lining the road in Battambang. where they didn’t speak any English. I showed him a picture of short hair and he cut it all off. it was hard I didn’t love it but I knew it wasn’t for me it was for my Father. the day after that the boys shaved it even more so now I really don’t have hair and believe me when I say I probably have more leg hair than head hair. haha!
There was no denying. I choose to obey. and I don’t regret it once. Every time I walk past a mirror, see my reflection, touch my head, or someone else touches my head. For a split second I am completely insecure I feel vulnerable but then I am reminded of the uncomfortable places God is calling me into and the comfort he is going to give me. I’m reminded of his promises. I’m reminded I’m a child of God. Its all pretty simple the way God loves us its not complicated. He called us to live by faith, to let him carry us. he wants us to be reliant on him and thats exactly what I’m choosing.
abandonment is hard I never really knew, but now I know!
