If you are a woman with a wounded, hurt or even just a bruised heart reading this blog, stop everything you are doing right now and go buy the book Captivating, co-authored by John and Stasi Elredge. I’m not kidding, go do it. Get it on Kindle. Buy it on Amazon and spend the extra $10 for 2-day shipping. Go online and reserve it at your local Barnes and Noble and jump right into the car and go pick it up. Seriously, it will be the moment your life has the ability to change forever.
There was a day in my life almost 2 years ago that served as a turning point in my heart. The only way I know how to describe it is the day my soul and heart were crushed and hardened all at the same time. It was a day where most lies I have believed about myself up to this point in my life stemmed from. It was a day where I gave myself these labels: I didn’t matter. It was my fault. I was not worthy of love. I was not a priority. No one could every choose just me. I was not enough. And believe me when I say this, I have stepped into the roles of these labels in my heart and in my head over the last two years. You might read that list and wonder how anyone could ever think such awful things of themselves, but I did… and there are labels that you have given yourself that you have stepped into as well. Labels that are far from the truth of what the Lord says about you.
Over the last five days, I could feel God stirring in my heart about that one day, that one wound that seemed to cut deeper than the rest, that one scar that had never fully healed, that one pain that I could feel stronger than anything else, that one moment in my life that seemed impossible to forgive. I knew that He was calling me to start allowing Him to heal that wound that I had decided would never heal and the one that I would carry with me forever. Little did I know that God had a better plan for me. He wanted to give me new labels, a new name and allow me to walk freely from that wound.
I was on a school bus with my teammate Morgan and one of the girls from our ministry this past Thursday. We were on our way to her school field trip to a fort in Puerto Cortes, about 3 hours away from the town we are staying in. I was reading Captivating and got to Chapter 6 which is titled “Healing the Wound”. It’s a chapter in the book that requires thought, prayer, reflection and inviting the Lord into the brokenness that you are feeling. I read through it on the bus, not really participating in the prayers and invitations that the book guides you through. I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to open up my heart and let myself go back to that wound. I got done with that chapter and quickly moved on to the next. Not even one page in to chapter 7, God interrupted me very quickly.
“Read chapter 6 again. But before you do that, write down the details of that morning. Write down the feelings, the emotions, the words you can remember, write it all down. Open up the wound and break open your soul. Let it all out. Cry. Get angry. Feel pain. Feel the hurt. Let your heart feel it”.
My response to the Lord in that moment was a resounding NO. I was absolutely not going to open up that wound again. There’s no way I was going back there, my heart wouldn’t be able to handle it. I remember the pain of that day all too well, I didn’t need to go explore it any further.
His response to me: “You didn’t let me finish… Then, let the Holy Spirit wash over you. Let JESUS die on the cross for that sin that was committed against you. Let me touch those deep, jagged wounds and heal them. Let yourself forgive him for wrecking your heart”.
Reluctantly, I agreed. It took me a few days, a lot of tears and a lot of alone time with the Lord, but He walked me through every step.
He asked “will you let me heal you?” (a question that he asks of every one of us, but only some of us will choose to answer).
This time, I answered with an immediate yes. I invited him into this shattered place of my heart. I asked him to come to my heart and show me that it wasn’t my fault, that I did matter, that I am worthy of love, that I am a priority, that someone will choose just me and that I am enough. I opened the door of my heart to the Lord and gave him full permission to heal my wounds. Simply put, I asked my Dad for help. Sometimes I wonder how many of us are so prideful that we forget to just ask for help from our Father whose greatest desire is to be our refuge and our strength.
His response to me, “The vows that your heart and soul made in unity in a brief moment that morning brought a message over your life that you have to stop believing. You have to stop stepping into the role of those messages. You have to renounce them before you are entirely convinced that they aren’t true of you. You must reject the messages of your wounds, sweet daughter. Crawl into my lap and let me rock you, hold you and speak new truths over you… the real truths”.
It hit me in that moment that I had been deaf to the real truths that my Dad was trying to speak over me because I was so consumed in believing the old labels that I had given myself. I asked His forgiveness for believing those lies for so many years and renounced the agreements that I had made deep in my heart with those labels and messages. I asked Him to bring the truths to my heart.
He told me, “allow yourself to feel again, my precious daughter. Your feelings make you needy of me. Your feelings will only draw your closer to me. Your feelings allow me to hold you, to comfort you and they give me permission to dry your eyes. They give me permission to heal your hurting heart. Let yourself feel again sweet girl, it’s okay”.
Remember when I said earlier that my heart and soul had been crushed and hardened all in the same moment? I firmly believe that to be true. I’ve loved, but not deeply and wholeheartedly. I’ve let people in, but not without asking them to fight to climb the massive wall I had built around my heart. I’ve let myself feel certain emotions, but not without quickly shaming myself afterwards for being weak, vulnerable or inadequate. My heart was partially open. I was only halfway there in relationships, always living in fear of feeling that same pain again that I felt cut so deeply to my heart two years ago. Until now, I did not realize just how much one moment had hindered every aspect of my life and especially the ways that I defined myself.
I told the Lord that I didn’t want to be angry at him anymore. I didn’t want unforgiveness to rule my life. I didn’t want to be a prisoner in my own heart anymore. I didn’t want to let one moment determine the course of my future. I didn’t want to be held captive to the messages that one wound brought with it. I chose forgiveness in the middle of pain.
I forgave him. Loud and clear- I forgave him. But what I will not do is let him consume even an inch of my heart anymore. I won’t let the enemy use him and his years of lies and deception to hurt me anymore. He has no foothold in my life anymore. He has no ability to affect my future with the man that God intends for me. I will not shed another tear over the wounds that he caused because the Lord is healing them and He is using them to write a story far more beautiful that what he could have been a part of.
“you’re free, my precious daughter. Run towards your future and leave the chains at my feet. I have the power to heal those wounds and set you free completely, no one else does. Let me hold you. Let me cradle you. Let me sing to you. Listen to my voice, it will give you the truth. Don’t give up the opportunity to love someone deeply and fiercely again. It won’t always be easy, but it will be worth it”.
This process has been far from easy. Like I said, these last few days have come with their fair share of tears. Opening up that old wound to allow the Lord to heal it required a strength and courage that I didn’t have in myself.
The truth is that I do matter. It was not my fault. I am worthy of love. I am a priority. Someone will choose just me. I am enough. I am a lighthouse in the midst of a dark and stormy night. I am whole. I am a dancer who delights in celebrating the little things with the Lord. I am pure. I am a warrior.
I asked my Dad to give me a new name and new labels. I left the old ones at his feet and stepped into the ones that he revealed to me. Will you?
