Social media does not always tell the full story. Some of you will be surprised to hear that after 3 months in Central America, I have come home. Others that I have kept in contact with over the last 3 months might not be surprised in the least. I spent 3 months in Honduras, Guatemala and El Salvador and fought to stay on the world race from the very beginning. If you looked at my Instagram or Facebook account, I bet you would have never guessed that. You would have seen a recent college graduate traveling to some of the most beautiful places she has ever been and loving every second of it. Unfortunately for me, it was far from the truth. I struggled more than I ever imagined. I was hurting for home the entire time I was gone. I was slipping back into a depression (something I struggled with for almost 5 years) and I was far from emotionally healthy. I don’t think I have gone a day without crying. I have had panic attacks frequently and that is something I had never struggled with before. Needless to say, I was not happy.
After weeks of heavily considering the option of going home, I made my choice. It was not an easy choice to make to say the least, but it is the one I made after praying, fasting, listening and crying out to the Lord. It was never a decision I wanted to make, but I had to face myself and realize that I was not in a good place emotionally. I started thinking of the reasons I was staying on the race and it hit me hard when I realized what it was.
Shame was keeping me on the race. The fear of people knowing that I wasn’t strong, capable, tough and unbreakable was stopping me from going home. If I went home, everyone would know this about me and I was scared people wouldn’t love me. I’ve spent years wearing the mask of toughness and strength. If I went home, it would reveal to the world who I truly am…
A 23 year old who struggles with self worth and believes lies about herself daily. A hurting child of God. A broken daughter of the King. A messy heart in desperate need of the love of a Father.
So I came home. I swallowed my pride and came home. I dropped the act and came home. I leaned into the Father and I came home.
So here I am at home with no plan, no security and a whole lot of fear of the unknown. Here I am at home… broken, messy, vulnerable, flawed but deeply loved by my Heavenly Father regardless of where I am. I’m letting myself be seen. I’m letting myself be loved. I’m dropping the act of strong. I’m dropping the lies of always having it together. Because I don’t. In reality, I’m far from having it all together. But day by day, I’m stripping away the old and embracing the new. I’m stripping away the hardened heart and revealing the true depths of my brokenness. I’m leaning into the One who can and will redeem this story for His good and His will.
I’m not a failure. I’m not a quitter. I’m not ashamed. From an outside perspective, the world might not understand this decision, but my Father loves me regardless. My Dad meets me with unending grace no matter what decision I face. I’m a daughter of the King and I most certainly am enough just the way that I am; hurting, broken, vulnerable, strong, unflashy, messy, plain, fragile, imperfect, flawed and beautiful. All of those things, all in one.
